Niasse to see you, Niasse

I’ve had my fair share of laughs at Everton since I started writing this column. This week I’m going against the grain a little – I’m actually made up for them. Well, not made for THEM more just made up for one player, and his name is Oumar Niasse. Poor old Oumar couldn’t have been given the message any louder or clearer by Ronald Koeman, that message being “you’re shit, do you know the 14 bus route to Widnes so you can fuck off swiftly.” They loaned him to Hull City towards the back end of last season, where he undoubtedly impressed. Then they desperately tried to offload him to Crystal Palace on deadline day, but they preferred to spend their money on Mamadou Sakho. So here I am, thought fat Ronny, lumbered with this big fella with a touch like a set of railings. Oh how Oumar made a show of Big Ronny. He started by scoring in the Carabao Cup last week and finished by coming on to save The Ev from defeat against Bournemouth on Saturday. Not only did he score the equaliser, but he scored the winner as well. Cue fucking scenes! Watching Oumar score those goals in front of the Gwladys Street was reminiscent of Stone Cold Steve Austin delivering a stunner to Vince McMahon. I’m a red and even I’m made up for him.

600 (odd) not out

All hail Gareth Barry, midfield supremo. The former Villa, Man City and blue shite midfielder played his 16,987th professional game on Monday night against Arsenal. Not only did he play but Tony Pulis also gave his the armband. nearly 20,000 league games is an impressive stat for any player, so fair play to Barry on this one. He’s carved some career for himself as well. He led Aston Villa to the brink of the Champions League. He nearly signed for Liverpool when Rafa Benitez was the manager, in a transfer saga that ultimately convinced Xabi Alonso that Merseyside wasn’t for him anymore (1,000 favs on Twitter and I’ll tell you why), there was a couple of Merseyside derbies he nearly won at Goodison. He also won a league title while at City, which was nearly another nearly if it weren’t for Sergio Aguero. He achieved all of this without completing a single forward pass in his distinguished 19 year Premier League career. From me, is right Gareth lad!

Set Piece Nightmares

Why can’t anybody defend set pieces anymore? I’m not just talking Liverpool here – that’s been done. This weekend many more teams fell foul to ‘second ball syndrome’. First up were West Ham. Spurs’ third goal on Saturday afternoon was classic set piece syndrome. Switch on for the free kick, switch off when the ball goes marginally away from goal, stay switched off, stay switched….oh fucking hell, goal. Then it happened to Newcastle at Brighton on Sunday. Ball goes over the top, oh there’s no one there any, FUCK ME WHERE DID DALE STEPHENS COME FROM, oh it’s a goal. The ineptitude of teams to defend the second ball is fucking infuriating. Christ, did I just give an actual opinion on football there?