Week 7 of the Premier League turned out to be no different than all the other weeks gone by. The Eagles still remain pointless, goalless and their supporters have given up any hopes of being able to play the ‘shots when you score’ drinking game in pubs. Meanwhile, the Manchester duo continue to look like teams built on billion Pound budgets, steamrolling anyone who gets in their way.
Still, other stuff did happen over the weekend. Let’s find out what it was.
Manchester City: A quality performance that just about overshadowed Guardiola’s decision to don that hideous hoodie.
Kevin de Bruyne: Before Luke Shaw, there was De Bruyne. If you listen closely, you could hear the pain in Antonio Conte’s voice when he said he didn’t know what happened with De Bruyne at Chelsea that he had to leave.
Manchester United: Pipe down, it was only Palace.
Marouane Fellaini: Who needs Pogba when you’ve got a palm tree?
Stoke City: Needed a response after having their pants pulled down at home last week and got it. Peter Crouch made full use of the fact that one of his legs can be in a different postcode to the rest of his body by scoring the winner.
Richarlison: The guy whose parents couldn’t agree on whether to name him Richard, Charlie or Leidson so they made up their own name. He could turn out to be the bargain of the season if he can keep up his scoring rate.
West Ham United: Bilic gets a stay of execution, although West Ham owners might be getting ideas above their station once again, now that Ancelotti is available.
Harry Kane: Effortless, efficient, excellent. He makes it look so easy that several Spurs fans might turn up to work on Monday with sprained ankles, trying out his moves in their Sunday league games.
Arsenal: Despite the usual doom and gloom, they’re 5th and level on points with Chelsea. It’s a strange place to be and fans are confused whether it’s Wenger Out time or Wenger In time.
Burnley: Sitting pretty in sixth place after beating Everton away. Sean Dyche for England (after Southgate’s charges crash out at the group stages of the 2018 World Cup)!
Chelsea: They were never really at the races and an injury to Morata left them chasing their own tails for the rest of the game.
Willian: Any player who manages to hit a one-man wall from a freekick should be tied to the crossbar while his teammates take the crossbar challenge.
Crystal Palace: The footballing equivalent of a low-hanging piñata, with points falling out of every crack while big bullies with baseball bats line up for their turn.
Saido Berahino: Maybe he should pull a reverse Neymar and hand the ball over to one of his teammates the next time Stoke win a penalty.
Huddersfield: So bad, even Moussa Sissoko scored.
Everton and Koeman: Everton’s new owners put their money where their mouth is and would have expected a little more bite from their new recruits, but recent results have been a real kick in the teeth. Now just two points above the drop zone, how long before Koeman is sent packing? Teething issues can’t be used as an excuse anymore, Ron. And there ends my quota of teeth puns for the rest of the year.
Joel Matip: The unfortunate assist-provider for Joselu’s equalizer. No wonder Klopp was frustrated; his defenders have graduated from not stopping opposition attacks to setting up opposition goals.
Dele Alli: Showed the middle finger to logic and common sense by diving when his team were leading by 3 goals.