The Magnificent 7

Eesh, this could be a tough one this week. Not a great deal happened over the weekend really, did it? Nobody massively over-achieved and not enough people made complete fools of themselves. So, in true completely made-up style, I’ve cobbled this list together for you.

#1 Saido Berahino

“Get off, it’s mine. So what if I haven’t scored for four years, I’m taking it. I WILL score,” proclaimed the Stoke City striker. The perennially troubled Saido Berahino hasn’t quite justified his price tag following his departure from the West Bromwich Albion naughty step and hasn’t been celebrating a goal of any kind since (insert your own witty gag of something that happened about 18 months ago). You either class him as brave for wanting to take the penalty against Southampton, or bloody stupid. Considering he then missed, I’m edging towards the latter.

#2 Marcelo, Lyon

You can argue that it was accidental all you like, that it was a case of card to hand if you will but Lyon’s Marcelo record quick yellow card in the match against Angers is a moment of beauty. Booked for something or other, Marcelo manages to flick the yellow card out of the hand of the referee, only to then see his punishment doubled. Imagine missing a couple of games for that. Oh, and Lyon were 3-1 up at the time and the game ended 3-3. That must have been one happy manager.

#3 Steven Warnock

By all accounts, Steven Warnock is still trying to get back into the ground following being put on his backside by Ivan Cavaleiro in Wolves’ 4-0 drubbing of Burton Albion. Just play this on repeat…

#4 Roy Hodgson

I think two games is a little too soon to bring out the weird analogies, Roy? Crystal Palace were beaten, as expected, to nil by Manchester United and Roy launched into a whole little story about boxing, suggesting Palace were fighting in a class they were not big enough to be in, or something. I stopped listening, to be honest. Roy also suggested that the spirit in the camp was good, positive even. I can imagine it is positive, Roy. Positive you are not the man to save them.

#5 Ronald Koeman

Imagine you are Ronald Koeman. Just imagine. You left Southampton because Everton are a bigger club, but you only really went to Everton because you dream of being Barcelona manager and, for some reason, you felt that being at the second club in Merseyside would help you get one step nearer that dream. You get a truckload of money to spend on players, and you go and piss it all down the drain on Wayne Rooney’s wages and Gylfi Sigurdsson’s transfer fee. You tell your team that they are too frightened to play football. You lose 1-0 at home to Burnley the day before an international break starts. Your chairman comes out and gives you the vote of confidence. What do you do? You resign Ronald, you resign. And you hang your head in shame.

#6 Pep Guardiola

After 15/16 months of “getting to know English football” and about £400m, it would appear Peppie G is finally getting the hang of this Premier League lark. If you read the highly waxed lyrical in the papers following Manchester City’s 7-0 hammering of Chelsea at the weekend you would probably assume they were handed the title, the Champions League and the 2018 World Cup there and then. What’s that? They won 1-0? And Chelsea lost their main striker after half-an-hour? Meh, don’t let that get in the way of the media u-turn towards the bald messiah, eh?

#7 Marouane Fellaini

I am not saying it is his fault that he was marked as “50% likely to play” against Crystal Palace in the Fantasy Football League. Far from it, I am sure Fellaini knew deep in his heart that a game against Palace was the kind of game where he was going to look like a modern-day Bryan Robson. Fellaini dominated the game from start to finish, scored twice and showed yet again that fans can love a player or hate a player, but when it comes down to it if you are 6ft 4, can run around a lot and do exactly what Jose tells you, he will pick you time and time again.