What’s Plural For Crisis?

Pan the Pundits

After the nice week off we got from this, we’re back with Gary and the A Te… wait, has Yer Da shrunk in the washing machine? Nope, it’s just the excellent Danny Murphy. That’s a good result then.

We began this week with the blue half of Manchester thankfully with Pep’s merry band of full-backs (and Fabian Delph) still on fire. They were hosting Stoke who are a bit dull and still insist on playing Mame Diouf. Mark Hughes did say this week that he wouldn’t play Delph at full-back like Pep does. How many trophies has he won again?

Erm… how many different ways can you say City are a bit f**king good? Well, however many ways you can say it, there clearly aren’t enough. De Bruyne is alright, the way they play isn’t too bad and they score lots. There are only two negatives for City: first, the Etihad is a bloody library and, second, they let Mame Diouf score. Work to do then.

To Selhurst Park next where Crystal Palace’s Woy Wevolution still hasn’t taken off. They were destined to stay grounded with the visit of Conte’s Terminators who are slowly getting back to their robotic best. Woy could call on Wilfried Zaha, a man who can actually play football to a decent standard and there was no Hennessey so Palace had the chance to keep a clean sheet too.

Well, who knew Palace were able to play football? They created chances and didn’t look like a miserable bag of relegation. Chelsea were a bit slow and a bit out of it. Bakayoko did manage to get a goal but if his hair gets any brighter they’ll put him on the edge of a cliff and use him to guide ships in the night.

It was time to take a trip to the United Nations where the Foreign Guy is slowly proving why I rate him so highly. They were hosting Arsenal who have been very quiet recently with absolutely no crisises… crisisi… crisiss… for a while. They’re probably due one soon.

Where’s that crisis button? Actually, I wouldn’t say it’s time just yet. The penalty was what is technically termed ‘soft’ while the winner was pinball that fell perfectly to Cleverley. If you expected someone to miss it would have been him. Troy Deeney’s interview was interesting as he called himself ugly and he said he wanted to ‘rough them up’. Considering his past, that’s hardly surprising.

In the most telling piece of scheduling of all time, it was off to Swansea next where they were hosting Jurgen’s pal and his Belgian girl up top. Swansea have been a bit dull and looking like they may have struggled while Huddersfield have impressed but did get beaten by that Harry Kane team.

In the most mid-table tie of all time, Swansea won thanks to Tammy Abraham. He’s well on his way to scoring 12 goals this season, getting two England caps in March and signing for Stoke for £18 million in two years time.

To Wembley next where Spurs were hoping to finally win one of their ‘home’ games. Of course, we all know they’re basically playing 38 away games this season. They were hosting Bournemouth, a side with a Championship defence according to Talk From The Top Flight (out every Wednesday).

It was hardly convincing but Spurs did actually win a ‘home’ game. Turns out they’re not completely Harry Kane and pals. Bournemouth looked decent but there’s only so long that you can look decent without picking up points.

In absolutely the most telling piece of scheduling, we headed to Turf Moor for our penultimate game of this week. Onyx was hosting West Ham, a team that have spent millions without any tangible success. Burnley are decent.

Nice to see Andy Carroll disrupt his playing streak with something other than an injury. He may have to chop his arms off in future if he wants to go a game without getting sent off. Burnley huffed and puffed before their equaliser. By the way, has Joe Hart actually made a properly important or decent save as a Hammer?

We finished at Anfield where Liverpool and Manchester United drew 0-0. I can’t even begin to tell you how little I am willing to talk about this game. Do I have grounds to sue Jose for assaulting my eyes with that performance?

What did we learn this week then? Well, Andy Carroll needs to lose his arms, Jose might get a lawsuit, Tammy Abraham will get international caps in March and Troy Deeney really does keep up appearances.