The Magnificent 7: Cesar becomes Palace’s top scorer, Wenger is back and Tammy is all about good timing

The Magnificent 7

That’s more like it, right? You know the Premier League is back in action when there are nine Manchester United outfield players in their own penalty area three minutes after an early kick-off against a top-six rival on a Saturday, don’t you?

Who makes the illustrious list today?

#1 Arsene Wenger

Welcome back Arsene, I hope you enjoyed your two-week absence from the list. Oh, so you saw that incident, did you? Wenger was fuming at the “scandalous” decision to award Watford a penalty in their game at the weekend. Personally, I thought it was a nailed on spot-kick. Hector Bellerin, hilariously out-paced by Richarlison, put the wrong leg across and nudged him in the back in the area. Anywhere else on the pitch it’s a foul, so that counts in the area too. More scandalous was Arsenal’s ability to throw away a lead, fail to clear the ball eight times in injury time and generally do what they do every single year (win a couple, self-implode, win a couple, self-implode). Come Arsene, get a grip or go.

#2 Jose Mourinho

Did anyone expect anything else, really? Of course United were¬†going to go there and settle for a point. That’s why Mourinho wins things. Kloppo can bleat and moan all he likes, but at the end of the day, Liverpool fail to beat most teams that sit deep against them. Admittedly, United were grateful to David de Gea for making a great save, but that’s another reason why United will be higher than Liverpool come the end of the season. They have a decent goalkeeper. Sure, it’s not pretty but nostalgia helps us forget all the times Fergie sent United out more than happy to come away with a point.

#3 Roy Hodgson

Andy Gray and Richard Keys could hardly contain their glee when an “old-fashioned Brit” managed to get some points at the weekend. Palace, as we all know, are shit this season. Well, they are mostly shit plus they have Wilf Zaha. All Palace needed was someone to score a goal for them, then they could crack on. Surprisingly, Cesar Azpilicueta was missing Morata so much he got confused and stuck it in his own net. This will go down as Hodgson’s redemption, proof that he is the right man for the job at Palace. Let’s all remember this moment when he leads them out against Birmingham City in the Championship next season.

#4 Mike Ashley

See, Mr Ashley is a nice man after all. He’s giving the Newcastle fans an early Christmas present by putting their beloved club up for sale. The Newcastle fans might hate Ashley now, but they are odds-on to get some kind of new crazy as the clubs patriarch.

#5 Michy Batshuayi

You can moan all you want about not getting enough games, Michy. You can go and do a bit for Belgium as well if you like. But seriously mate, you can’t claim Antonio isn’t trying to give you a fair crack. If you can’t score against that Palace side, then you really do not deserve to be Alvaro’s understudy.

#6 Tammy Abraham

Being a good striker is all about being in the right place at the right time, and as Michy was stropping off at Selhurst Park Tammy was netting his second for Swansea City against Huddersfield Town. The only problem is, from Chelsea’s point of view, is that he is young, English and talented. Therefore he has got no chance of making it at Stamford Bridge. Become a cult hero at Swansea Tammy, and get a permanent move there next season.

#7 Ronald Koeman

You can say what you want about big Ronald, but he is a fighter. It’s not easy to go to Brighton and get a point these days, but boy he managed it. The tactical gamble to give Rooney 90 minutes worked, as that was how long Wayne had to wait to get a clear shot on goal – from the penalty spot. You don’t get sacked after pulling that one off.