Manchester City

Mathematics is a subject that has suffered horribly at the hands of modern technology. It used to be a superpower; a magic trick that made us both envy and admire those schoolmates with the ‘gift.’ Then, we discovered calculators and, a few years later, realised that computer programmes and apps could do all the hard work for us. We never looked back.

The real sufferers in this silent war are maths teachers. These decrepit purveyors of education are fast running out of ways to make their dying subject relevant. In fact, the day is fast approaching where maths teachers themselves will be replaced by an app. The time has come either to throw in the towel and teach life skills or come up with one final, mathematically ambitious way to make the brains of children wake from their technological comas of moron.

Thankfully for the profession, Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City have stepped up to the proverbial abacus. Teachers can now enter that dreaded classroom every morning and pose a new set of questions to the brain drain before them, and the choices are endless, educational and informative.

At the current rate, just how many goals will Manchester City score before Christmas? If City were to start each game on -3 goals, how long would it take for them to win 8 nil? If goals were murderers, just how dangerous has the east side of Manchester been over the last two months? If their opponents’ goals counted for two, how many Gabriel Jesus hat tricks would it take to for City’s goal difference to remain at least 10 ahead of Man United?

As we approach November, The Blitzkrieg of sky blue destruction shows no sign of slowing. Not only does this give Manchester City a huge psychological advantage going forward, it also gives maths teachers an unparalleled opportunity to convert this destruction into numerically challenging and relevant classroom material. Thanks, Pep.