Chelsea Youth Anonymous Part II


A short young man in a sweat stained long sleeve red and white shirt saunters into an underground training pitch outside London.

As the young man emerges into an open room already full of friendly faces he is greeted with cries of “EDDIE!!!!” and “What is that smell???” A boyish grin crosses Eddie Nketiah’s face as he explains, “I haven’t taken off my kit since the match!” The crowd groans and playfully throw things at the boy. Just two days ago, he saved

“Look Eddie,” begins Romelu Lukaku, “We are all very proud of you but we’re delaying this meeting until after you give me that jersey and take a shower.”

*twenty minutes later*

Lukaku: “okay boys, let’s try this again.”

A short young… Eddie walks back in freshly clean and a bit chastised as the group sarcastically calls out “Eddie!”

Kevin De Bruyne: You know Eddie, I saw three articles comparing you to Thierry Henry this morning.”

Eddie: “ Yeah, he even tweeted at me!! I think could do it you know!”

Kurt Zouma: “Look boychik, you scored two goals against Norwich. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re a full half foot shorter than Thierry and also not a freaking football legend.”

Lukaku: “Hey, let’s give Eddie this one before he realizes that it happened in the Carlin.. Um Capital One.. no, Carabao Cup. Anyway, this game was in the stupid cup that doesn’t matter.”

Nameless Chelsea Loanee #42: “Yo Eddie, can you explain your celebration for the first goal? I swear it looked like you were going to punch that guy on your team who was warming up.”

Eddie: “I have no idea. I blacked out after I got on the pitch. If people didn’t keep telling me that I scored two goals I would be completely lost.”

Lukaku: “Well listen closely. We’ve been through this before. You need to keep a level head. Whenever a Chelsea youth in exile plays well the hype gets crazy, especially for English players. So you cannot listen to the ridiculous reports coming out about you. Remember the following:

You are not Thierry Henry. In all likelihood you will never even come close to what he was.

That said, you can still be a very productive and successful footballer.

Arsene Wenger did not know you could do this. He has dementia. Nothing he says can impact your work rate. You must not let any of his word – either on the pitch or to the media – impact you.

You will not start in the Premier League.

When you came on, many supporters were chanting “Who??”

Your Wikipedia page is full of lies. Never open it.

I have to go, we’ll meet again soon. But for now we say the words.

All in unison: We have talent. We have blue in our past and present but not in our future. We have each other. We are Chelsea Youth Anonymous.