Aw, bugger off. Gary starts with “England have won the World Cup” while the twins gurn at the screen. Of course, it’s the U17 World Cup so it doesn’t actually matter.
Actually, before we get into the first match, I should mention that the twins for the confused reader are Alan Shearer and Danny Murphy. Very kindly, their mum dressed them in different colour shirts so we can tell them apart.
We start at The Wall where Tactics Tony went three at the back to play against Pep and his merry band of full-backs. Poor Tony hasn’t won in seven league games which is going completely under the radar for now while Pep is trying to recover from the embarrassment of not blowing someone away in midweek. He lives a hard life.
City are still decent. Leroy Sane is basically Raheem Sterling with ability while David Silva roams around taking the p**s. The Wall were hardly terrible though and they had some chances. They could have been level had it not been for the fact that Salomon Rondon is (and always will be) a massive diddy. Shoutout to Matt Phillips who scored in his first week out of my fantasy team. Arse.
Danny Murphy did manage to show why he’s such a great pundit praising Fernandinho and rightly so. Alan? Moving on…
To Selhurst Park next where the Wevolution hosted West Ham. This match fills me with glee as these are the two worst sides in the entire Premier League. Palace look far more solid now Woy has awived while it seems every Hammer has forgotten that Slav is running their club into lower mid-table once again with that midweek win at Wembley.
How do I avoid a cliche here? Erm… this was a game of two 45 minute periods of which each team had dominance in differing ones. Got out of that one. West Ham were actually a decent side first half with two nice goals. I’m pretty sure Andre Ayew has no clue what he’s doing and just boots it. Thankfully, West Ham remembered they were West Ham and bottled it in the final seconds.
How many references to the two managers being pals can we get in here? Jurgen and Jurgen’s pal faced off at Anfield in a game that was destined to end in a draw. Liverpool are well on their way to mid-table this season but thankfully lost Dejan Lovren.
Trust Liverpool to make hard work of a routine 3-0 home win. Daniel Sturridge and Bobby Firmino actually scored goals although I’d consider appealing Bobby’s for the absolute state of his celebration. Huddersfield offered nothing.
We got a Lineker special with Jurgen Klopp this week. Nothing of note other than Klopp laughing after every question.
It was Arsenal next with Arsene Wenger turning 800. What better way to celebrate a milestone birthday than by inviting Paul Clement and his vibrant, exciting Swansea side to the Emirates for a game of football. Did I say vibrant and exciting? I meant boring.
Trust Arsenal to make hard work of beating Swansea at home. They managed it despite trying their best to shoot themselves in the foot. Swansea were as Swansea always are.
In the best summation of Jose Mourinho’s time in charge of Manchester United, they were this far down MotD hosting Spurs. Funnily enough, Spurs went from smashing Liverpool at Wembley to bottling the Carabao Cup tie against West Ham in a matter of days. Title challengers elect everyone.
Such excitement. United sneak one at the end with Spurs barely threatening. Mourinho won classily like only he can.
The penultimate game saw the final top six side in action as the Terminators travelled south to Bournemouth. Bournemouth have quietly struggled so far this season with the accommodating Premier League no longer taking their pretty passing with good grace anymore. The Terminators have been all over the place this season as well with so many malfunctions they look like Dejan Lovren’s brain when he has to defend.
Hardly classic Chelsea but there’s a reason they’re called Terminators. They won and that’s what matters most.
We finished this week at the UN where they were hosting the struggling Stoke. We’ve battered Stoke on Talk From The Top Flight recently for being a bit crap while we gave Watford praise for not being crap.
Obviously, this went the opposite way that you thought it would. Darren Fletcher scored a goal to prove he’s not totally pointless, Charlie Adam missed an open goal and Troy Deeney assaulted a man. Not totally surprising then. Mark Hughes saying Stoke aren’t doing that bad is a lie though.
So what have we learned this week? Salomon Rondon is a diddy, Troy Deeney assaults people, Mark Hughes is dumb, Arsenal and Liverpool struggle at home sometimes and never, ever take betting advice from anyone associated with Talk From The Top Flight. EVER!