Todays Tales

English clubs are back! They are back! Except they are not really all that English are they, Keysey? All them Johnny Foreigners making English clubs do well and all that, it’s disgusting. God, imagine if Tottenham Hotspur could actually beat Real Madrid with a couple of English lads up front, Andy Gray would have a veritable orgasm. What, that actually happened? The result I mean, not the orgasm.

With all these English football teams being top of the European World Universal game once again, the stage is delightfully set for Everton and Arsenal to bring it all crashing back down to earth once again, Jack Wilshere and all.

The way the “Englishophiles” have been banging on this week, it would be easy to assume each English team had won in the Champions League in the last 48 hours. Er, Chelsea anyone? Our current Champions got stuffed by one of the biggest bottle job clubs in the world, AS Roma. So let’s all, as Jose would say with a simple finger to lips, calm down shall we?

Sergio Aguero finally got the monkey off his back and became Manchester City’s record goalscorer in a 4-2 win over Napoli who are, apparently, pretty damn good this season. They can’t be that good, even John Stones scored. People are talking up City’s chances of winning the whole thing now, but can they realistically win that AND the Premier League which is already being touted as being in the bag? Probably not.

Liverpool should play teams from Slovenia every week as they seem to be able to find ways through them. Kloppo’s men heeded his warning and patiently found a way to score three against a team focused on defending. Hell, they even managed to miss another penalty. Double hell, Daniel Sturridge not only played a second game in a row but he scored for the second game in a row.

Everton will have made Richard Keys and Andy Gray very, very angry by DARING TO OVERLOOK AN ENGLISHMAN. Sam Allardyce will soon be bemoaning the fact that he wanted too much “top dollar” for Everton to think he was worth it, and Everton will go peak Brexit by turning to none other than…. hang on, it says Sean Dyche here. Incredible, two English managers fighting for the same Premier League job? This must be a mistake. Mind you, if Dyche wisely stays at Burnley then Everton are likely to tap-up Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Nuno Santo who is clearly far too good a manager to be at a perennially unsuccessful former big club. I mean Wolves in this instance, not Everton though if the cap fits.

British managers are being linked to clubs all over the gaff this week. Ally McCoist is keen to have a go at Sunderland because it went so well for him there last time and he has previous of managing a club so far up shit creek without a paddle that they may as well call off the rescue search. Alan Pardew is open to talks with McCoist’s former employers Rangers, which could well prove the theory here at Tales that Pardew is best off managing at a far lower level than the Premier League. Chris Coleman is said to be gutted as he is (a) British and (b) very keen to get out of the Wales gig as quickly as possible providing he can find a Premier League club willing to see if he is any good when he doesn’t have Gareth Bale.