I’m Lazy, Here’s A List

This series really has hit rock bottom this week.

Welcome back to another Premier League Years where I’ve been YouTube hunting again. What started as the germ of an idea to laugh at Sunderland from like 15 years ago turned into an exploration of fan made season review videos. You know those “Goals, Assists & Skills” videos we all love. It’s like those but way, way less brain hurty.

So, to make everything worse, here’s a list of the best one from a few different Premier League sides over the years. I’m doing a public service here:

Arsenal – 2011/2012

What a start this is. Curious music choice (the one Goo Goo Dolls song is very out of place here) and lots of unnecessary editing effects to make it (in this case) like looking straight into oncoming traffic at night. So many passing lights.

The actual content does a good job of showcasing Arsenal at this time. Lots of Szczesny sitting looking sad, plenty of anger and failure plus some van Persie love and the glorious moment of Chamakh being replaced by Henry. If ever there were two players at the opposite end of a spectrum. Plus, Thierry doesn’t have hair that looks like some paint has dripped onto his head.

Burnley – 2009/2010

Much like in real life, there’s much more action at Burnley when they’re in the Championship but after some hunting I did find something… erm… strange.

It’s a short goal montage with what the description calls “an African twist to fit with the recent 2010 World Cup”. Bet you can’t guess what he’s done?

Chelsea – 2005/2006

How do you sum up a title winning season? Thump some atmospheric music in the background an put some slow-mo shots of Paulo Ferreira tackling people. Oh yes, give me that title now. Jose’s magic hadn’t worn off yet but his decision to sign Shaun Wright-Phillips is still baffling. Didn’t really matter when they were facing the likes of Philippe Senderos though did it?

Everton – 2006/2007

David Moyes is an ugly man so it’s maybe not wise to start with close-ups of him for your review. Big smack of Moyes with this Everton side with a mix of his good signings and James Beattie all thrown into one pile. Lots of unnecessary slow-mos and Tim Howard in this one but it truly is the gold standard of s**t season reviews.

Leeds United 1999/2000

In terms of pure quality, this may be the worst video I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s what happens when you have a 2000 word essay you can answer in 10 words. Eventually you start just adding words onto your sentence so that the sentence becomes unnecessarily long because there are so many words in the sentence now because you keep adding words because you’re short of the word count because the essay question can be answered in ten words but that leaves you 1990 words short of the word count they req…

You get the picture.

Whoever made this video has taken the lazy option and literally CRT+C, CTRL+V’d the same part into an allotted time frame. Never before has outside of Mark Pougatch’s home, Mark Pougatch’s name has been said three times by a person.

Newcastle United – 2012/2013

I knew the Toon wouldn’t let me down. An entirely unremarkable season can somehow be made much more entertaining by a Geordie who can’t even spell his own nickname correctly. Wack a popular tune on and find some shots of Newcastle being a bit s**t and you have YouTube gold. Welzyyy I salute you.

Sunderland – 2008/09

We’ll finish off this week with a look at the team that ended up spawning this idea, Sunderland. To say they’re entertainingly bad is an understatement. I would say watching them is like watching a pram roll towards the edge of a cliff repeatedly but I like writing for Tales so I’ll refrain.

This jaunt back in time takes us to the Ricky Sbragia era of Sunderland – a world where Djibril Cisse is their main striker and where Kieran Richardson wasn’t an overpaid nonce. No wait, this just in: he always has been.

I’ll be back next week with another written atrocity. If you’ll excuse me, Buzzfeed are calling…