Eeesh, I’ve had better weeks at this game. Mind you, so have Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger. Injuries cost me, my inability to resign Sergio Aguero didn’t help either. And of course, Leighton Baines has started to do stuff after I traded him for Nicolas Otamendi – that was always on the cards.
Rob Elliot, 3 points
Rob might have let in a late goal from a corner, but he did pick up a bonus point for making four saves (another new one on me). The only thing I like about Newcastle is that they rarely get battered.
Jamaal Lascelles, 1 points
The Newcastle skipper didn’t last 90 minutes against Bournemouth so only got a single point. He’ll probably be fit for the next Premier League outing.
Phil Jones, 1 point
To be fair to Phil, he was carrying Chris Smalling on his back for the entire match. He even got the ball in the back of the net, but it was his own. Fortunately, the ref spotted that Morata had blown him over. He got a yellow card, costing me a point. Meh.
Cesar Azpilicueta, 12 points
What a player this guy is. What a Fantasy League player is what I really mean, of course. He was the man who crossed for Morata to score, obviously. All those wasted crosses he threw in when the Spanish number nine was injured, it kills me. So a clean sheet, an assist and a bonus three for Chelsea’s most consistent player. Yeah, more than Kante. Don’t @ me.
Nicolas Otamendi, 1 point
Clearly, since I signed him, Otamendi has stopped scoring Premier League points. Standard.
Ben Davies, 1 point
Injuries meant I ended up with an autoselected back five this week. Thanks for that.
Richarlison, 7 points
He is a player this lad. 90 minutes, scored and didn’t get booked this week. I’ll take that, even if they did lose.
David Silva, 5 points
Baldy got me an assist and played 90 minutes this week. City have some midfield when he isn’t the best player. Christ almighty.
Harry Kane, 2 points
Fortunately, I’d forgotten to slip Harry the captain’s armband this week but I did remember to resign him after he appeared against Real Madrid. There will be plenty more goals to come.
Gabby Jesus, 10 points
I was gutted to see him on the bench and delighted to see him come on and score. Fortunately, he still had the armband so it all got doubled to 10.
Tammy Abraham, 2 points
Bless him, he is doing his best in a very bad team.
On the bench sat N’Golo Kante who would have got me three points if I’d put him in before the deadline. Next week N’Golo, next week.
So my weekly total of 45 was one point above the worldwide average but saw me plummet down our table to 16th. However, I soared in Spain meaning that the FMG League is stronger than Spain as a footballing nation. Bravo.
I’m going to spend the international break trying to work out how I can get Aguero back in for Jesus, which basically means which other player am I going to cut as a cost-cutting exercise.
Maths, I am glad I listened at school.