I know what you’re thinking, the international break, a time for crying, a time for mourning and a time for sitting in a dark room wishing for it all to end. Fear not, I’ve got some exciting news to quell the horror that is international week. England are playing Germany and Brazil, which means… that we get to watch a bunch of overpriced, overhyped English players getting absolutely walloped. I’d take that over the prem any day of the week.

Trust me, it gets better. The only decent players in the team have all mysteriously pulled out with injury. Coincidentally they all play for Tottenham. I’m of course talking about the hurricane that is Harry Kane, Deli Ali (AKA Ashley Youngs bitch) and England’s newest prodigy that won’t fulfil his potential, Harry Winks. Kane didn’t even give a specific injury, he just claimed he had a ‘knock’. Don’t be surprised to catch him down the local getting a cold one with the boys while soaking up the laughter from England’s’ sorrow. To further the blow, England are missing their most influential player, one of Manchester City’s greatest talents… Fabian Delph. The fact that someone who has only played 30 games in 2 years is classed as being ‘missed’, shows the sorry state of England’s squad.

The joke of a national football team has also decided to call up Jack Cork, you know that really average football player which was a part of the shocking Chelsea youth system, went on loan to like 20 different clubs and is now playing for Burnley. Yeah, him. Somehow, Cork was chosen over Mr papier-mache, Jack Wiltshire. I know, I know he’ll probably go off injured after a strong gust of air takes him out but it’s worth a risk surely.

Let’s put this into perspective, Tammy Abraham, one of Chelsea’s 400 million Loanees will most likely have the honour of squeezing his 6ft 3 frame into the pockets of Boateng and Hummels on Friday. This is a player with only ten Premier League matches under his belt, it doesn’t bode too well for the 20-year-old.

So, after England do… well, an England, underperform and underachieve against Germany, they can gracefully go on to do the exact same against Brazil. Only this time they will have to deal with being mugged off by the five-star skiller Neymar as well as being bullied by Sideshow Bob (David Luiz). England should go back to playing small eastern European teams, at least then they can have a few years of false hope about winning the World Cup.

I see you all Scotland fans, coming out of the woodwork, grabbing your popcorn, waiting to get the old fishing rod out on twitter. Well get ready because there’s going to be plenty of bitter England fans to catch.