Shaving Ryan’s Privates

No, I’m not talking about a seedy bluey that you’re likely to find on PornHub. Instead I’ve made an uncomfortable and unnecessary joke about Ryan Giggs’ recent appointment as a ‘consultant’ at a football academy in Vietnam. Promotion Fund of Vietnamese Talents – not sure if that’s the off-shore tax company who have employed Giggs or the name of the club – have given him a job where he only has to turn up twice a year for a few days, starting on 20th November. Fuck me, this is dodgy. The is one of only a few times in my life that I have wished that I was this gozzy twat. He gets to work a couple of days a year, in the steaming hot sun, and is probably getting brewsties for it. Let’s not forget the real reason Giggs has probably gone over there though. We’ve all watched the scene in ‘Full Metal Jacket.’ You know the one where the pimp pulls up, the girl gets off the bike and says to the American sodiers, “Me so horny, me love you long time.” Bet Ryan’s packing his khaki vest and camo’s as we speak.


Sunderland are shit. That practically goes without saying these days. They are the worst and most laughable team in England since Aston Villa the season before them. I don’t think I have ever seen a club so destined to free-fall through the leagues the way Sunderland inevitably will unless something drastically changes soon. With that in mind you’d think they’d be taking the appointment of their next manager – a successor to the recently employed Simon Grayson – rather seriously. What do they need? Well they need someone who is actually capable for a start. They need someone who has been there, seen it, done it and worn the t-shirt. They need a leader and an organiser. So who is the first name in the hat for the job? Ally McCoist. Yep. How fucking Sunderland is that?

Everyone loves a try-hard….unless you’re England manager

Gareth Southgate, la. I mean I don’t even know where to start with this one. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not the biggest England fan, so much so that I had to check the final score of the game with, erm, whoever they played on Friday night while my bird dragged me around Primark on Saturday afternoon. When Gareth Southgate was appointed I laughed. I thought that the F.A must have lost their minds giving the job to the fella who got Middlesbrough relegated, doing what Steve McLaren had put off for years. By the way, that feat got McLaren the England job and look how that panned out. His selections since have made me feel a lot better about the situation however – because now I feel my belly laughs were justified. I mean, Dominic Solanke and Tammy Abraham. Lewis Cook and Angus Gunn. ANGUS GUNN, FOR FUCKS SAKE! Look, I’m happy he’s giving youth a chance. Good on him, I can’t be arsed watching Gary Cahill for much longer myself. But Jesus lad, temper expectations a little. Dominic Solanke hasn’t even scored a professional goal in England yet and Angus Gunn hasn’t even played a top flight game. You’re trying to hard mate, people are only going to hate you more for it.