My Fantasy Football Failings: If Stephen Ward is your high point, it has been a bad week…

Fantasy Football

99.9% of the time I am delighted to see the Premier League return. That 0.1% of time is always related to Fantasy Fucking Football. I’ve been doing OK recently, a bit like Tottenham Hotspur say. And, just like Tottenham, if Harry and Alli don’t turn up my lot don’t do at all well.

You can probably guess it was not a good weekend for me. I might go back to gambling on football and if I do I will bet on West Ham United going down.

Rob Elliot, 1 point

Now, the reason I have the Newcastle United man in goal is that, in my own words, “Newcastle won’t get spanked too often”. Well, that once in a blue moon happened at Old Trafford where Newcastle made the mistake of scoring early. He should have got bonus points for ruining the Zlatan narrative though, saving that overhead kick.

Ben Davies, 1 point

I’m having a bit of a defensive crisis with Lascelles out injured (bonus, seeing the lost but would they have let in 4 with him playing?) and Phil Jones injured again. A bit like Poch, I wouldn’t usually pick Benno for such a big game, and Spurs lost 2-0.

Cesar Azpilicueta, 6 points

The only disappointing thing about Azpi this week was that Morata got a couple and he didn’t assist either of them. A clean sheet though, always helps.

Stephen Ward, 5 points

He plays for Burnley, don’t you know. And Burnley are doing alright. It’s another clean sheet for Dyche’s men, even if Ward did cost me a point by getting booked. He is, however, the thing I did right this week.

Marouane Fellaini, 1 point

Now Pogba is back, the afro is likely to be back as a bit-part player but I still feel he will be crucial to United at points – so will keep him around.

Richarlison, 8 points

Another goal and another clean sheet for the Brazilian. Will he still be any good when Marco Silva jumps ship?

Dele Alli, 2 points

Has anyone located him yet? He was more Ozil than Ozil himself on Saturday.

David Silva, 6 points

An assist and a clean sheet for the City schemer at Leicester City.

Gabby Jesus Sergio Aguero, 0 points

Yeah, well done. I decided to trade the two again and it cost me four points. And, somehow, Aguero ended up as my skipper even though I gave the armband back to Kane. Not ideal, not ideal.

Harry Kane, 1 point

And neither was Harry’s performance. Always scores in a London Derby, they said.

Tammy Abraham, 2 points

It’s a tough gig playing up top for Swansea City right now, plus he has picked up a slight injury. Still, England international now, eh?

Total: 23 points

Yuck. That is a shocking week. Red arrows everywhere and I have slumped to 19th in the league. Shall we move on?