Pan the Pundits

Gary’s back and he’s brought the personality this week with Jermaine Jenas and Phil Neville. Actually, scrap that. Phil Neville tweeted yesterday that “Merseyside is blue” after the Merseyside Derby ended 1-1. Why? Trolling? No because he’s a f**king moron.

We started at Wembley where Spurs have been utterly awful in any game that isn’t in the Champions League. Their form is so bad even Swansea are looking at them and going, “Christ lads, you’re a bit pish”. They were hosting Stoke who truly are terrible and need a new manager. And new defenders. And new strikers. They need a lot basically.

If you’ve ever read any Pan The Pundits previously you’ll know I’m all about summations so here’s one more for good measure. If you want a summation of Stoke’s season then watch the build up to Spurs’ third. Butland’s shoddy Cruyff turn leads to a corner then Stoke can’t be arsed clearing it and Kane scores a header. Other than that it was the routinest of routine wins for Spurs although Hugo Lloris’ flap for the Stoke goal was Mignolet-esque. Very impressive. As for Stoke, they need shot of Hughes. And probably Shawcross as well.

Phil Neville became Captain Obvious this week as he pointed out Stoke can’t defend. No s**t Sherlock.

It was onto the Party Bus next as Moyesey’s Hammers hosted the Terminators. West Ham were incredibly part of ‘Who Did A Good?’ on Talk From The Top Flight according to Dean, who had conveniently forgotten they were a bit crap at Everton. The Terminators managed to get into the knockout rounds of the Champions League in midweek so slightly differing fortunes then.

Somebody break out the shandy, West Ham have won a game! This was what you expect from a Moyes side (well, Everton) – solid at the back and hard working going forward. Arnautovic got his first goal for the club which means he now has one this season, a fantastic return for £30+ million. Value for money. Shoutout to Jonathan Pearce for being the worst commentator in history once again by posturing that Michy having a hot water bottle was strange. “What would Chopper Harris or Billy Bonds make of that?” Speak your mind Pearce, we all know you wanted to say “he’s a pansy foreigner who might as well have a vagina”. Fud.

It was to Newcastle next where the wheels were falling off pretty hard. Their form was as bad as Swansea’s, a damning indictment of their ability seeing as Swansea are s**t. They were hosting Leicester who, under Claude Puel, are slowly mounting their title challenge from afar. Whoever would have thought that dull Frenchman that led Southampton to 8th was a good manager?

Hey, some entertainment. Leicester have a swagger just now and are a dangerous side to face right now. Demarai Gray is a hell of a player and, combined with Riyad Mahrez, Leicester are quite frightening. Then again, they do have a defender who has a promotional deal with a rum maker which explains how they conceded twice. Newcastle’s current run is summed up by Leicester’s winner where Ayoze Perez ran the length of the pitch to stick it in his own net. Can’t wait for that next Danny Baker DVD. Actually, DVD is so last decade, the Danny Baker Netflix special.

It was the Wevolution next who were hosting Bournemouth. Woy’s Boys have gotten off the bottom of the table by being slightly more competitive than Swansea. Bournemouth are quietly going about their business, lining up for their 14th place finish at the end of the season.

More entertainment! Jermain Defoe managed to show that his 84 year old legs still work good even if he did get a helping hand from a Josh King cuddle. Christian Benteke also proved his expensive legs are completely pointless as he cost Palace two points at the end. I get the feeling Woy wasn’t happy with that somehow. Might start a sweepstake as to who will score more this season: Benteke, Berahino or Bony?

It was a battle of the promoted sides as Huddersfield took on Australi… Brighton. That yellow kit is awfully familiar. Both sides have been in a bit of a slump recently and lost to the Merseyside teams last weekend. We got to see the return of African Steve instead of the Belgian Girl up front. I’ve really got nothing else for these guys honestly.

That Steve lad isn’t bad is he? He got the goals for Huddersfield as they were superb. Brighton need to fix up fast if they’re to avoid getting dragged into trouble over Christmas. That was a serious sentence wasn’t it?

Gary threw us to two managers who are superb at thumbs ups as it was Onyx against Foreign Guy. Both sides have been excellent this season with Everton even sniffing around both bosses. They were smart enough to ignore them.

Tough, cold, one goal from a man named Scott. Given the number of nationalities on the pitch, it was a surprisingly English affair.

We finished at Swansea who were hosting West Brom. Both sides are s**t. Swansea won. Bony scored to lead the newly introduced “B(ang out of form) Striker Sweepstake”. Scores on the doors: Bony 2, Benteke and Berahino 0.

So, what did we learn this week? Well, strikers beginning with B aren’t great, Swansea are s**t but they won, Newcastle are also getting s**t, Jonathan Pearce is an arse and Phil Neville has headed too many footballs in his time.