The ‘Parked Bus vs Razorblades‘ derby ended in a predictable fashion, leaving the bus with slashed tyres and the driver with a deflated ego. There was also a derby on Merseyside, wherein the unstoppable farce met the immutably abject and it ended all square. But that’s not all. Let’s have a look at the other stuff too.
Manchester City: Seasoned City supporters might be wary of counting their chickens too soon, but there is an inevitability about City winning the title at a canter. Either that or we’re about to see the biggest bottle-job in the history of the Premier League, surpassing depths plumbed by Spurs teams of the recent past.
Happy Hammers: The mark of a truly struggling team is that they’ll get a few unexpected results while losing winnable games. West Ham are following the blueprint to a ‘T’.
Tottenham Hotspur: Put five past Mark Hughes’ spluttering Potters to remain in contention for the end of season scramble for a top-four spot.
Harry Kane: Another day, another double. Two more zeroes added to the price tag.
Steve Mounie: His manager seemed to be over the moun, running out of superlatives to describe his performance against Brighton.
Swansea: Paul Clement brought the band back together, waking up Routledge and Dyer from their cryogenic sleep and sending Renato Sanches on a Carabao sponsored shopping trip, to win all three points against West Brom.
Burnley: Level on points with Spurs and maybe it’s time I stop writing about how Sean Dyche’s team might be sliding towards the lower part of the table after every Burnley defeat.
Leicester City: There’s nothing better than a free lunch, but a late win from an own goal comes pretty close.
Wayne Rooney: This is what he signed up for – playing under Big Sam and scoring in the Merseyside derby. That first part may or may not be true.
Jermain Defoe: He may be older than most stadiums in England, but there’s still goals in those feet.
Manchester United: Foiled yet again, by those noisy neighbours who have graduated from running around with air horns to turning up with a 22000 Watts sound system pumping through their sports car.
Romelu Lukaku: Useless at both ends of the pitch for his own team. He’ll be getting quite a few sky blue Christmas cards, though.
The Chasing Pack: You can all go home now, the race is over. We’ll mail you your participation certificates.
Stoke City: Five goals conceded, three points above the drop zone and one very annoyed supporter base. It’s all going downhill for Sparky.
Newcastle United: Another side on the slide and a manager struggling to match early season expectations. Fact.
Christian Benteke: “Let me show you how it’s done. Or not. Oops”.
West Brom: Yet to win a game since appointing the Dancing Dad as their manager. And we haven’t seen him dance either.
Dejan Lovren: Cometh the hour, cometh the man who single-handedly cost his side two points.
Ander Herrera: Booked for diving, a day after his manager complained about the diving of Manchester City’s players. You couldn’t make this up.
David Sullivan: “The manager said he wanted Fonte from Southampton and Snodgrass from Hull. My kids begged me not to sign them”. And with that, the West Ham co-owner did not just throw two of his own players under the bus, but got in the driver’s seat and ran them over, then engaged reverse just to make sure he got them. We look forward to hearing his candid thoughts on Brexit, North Korea and Trump.