A former Premier League manager approached us here at Tales and asked that we publish his diaries, so he could show the public what life is like out of the game. His only request was that he remained anonymous. Below is this week’s entry:
This week, I got Julie to ring or email all the clubs that I thought might need some management consultancy. Things had been a bit quiet recently and although I’m not in any monetary trouble, a little extra change would be nice.
Needless to say, I didn’t get any takers. Some people politely declined, saying they were in no need of my assistance (Pep Guardiola). Others sent a tirade of swear words (Paul Clement) and one person had a rather ominous sounding out of office message (Mark Hughes).
Crestfallen, I returned to my study to reflect on what to do with my new found spare time. It was then that I thought about this very site. Yes, I have been asked to provide a diary so you can see what it’s like to be out of football. But maybe I could turn my hand to general football writing? I mean, how hard can it be? Any fool could do this. In fact, the kind of person who writes about football is probably a 25-year-old loser who just sits in front of a video game stream on Youtube and types any old nonsense to hit a word count.
Anyway, as we are now almost halfway through the season, I thought I would do a short review of each team and how they have got on. With my experience, I’ll be able to provide a level of insight that no one else can.
Arsenal
They’re like a painting that you hate that a friend says changed his life. People say they are beautiful but I just don’t see it. I think I could beat all of their squad in a cage match, which is not a good sign.
Bournemouth
It’s good that they’re not super exciting because otherwise, they could kill their elderly fanbase. They are the vanilla of the Premier League and will likely never get the plaudits they deserve. I see a bit of myself in Eddie Howe, something I have heard several people remark in public.
Brighton and Hove Albion
They have a stadium named after a credit card yet are somehow heralded as a plucky underdog? I’m not having that. I see you, moneybags. You might act like a newly promoted club, but I guarantee that Lewis Dunk goes home and s***s on a golden toilet. Capitalism is the worst.
Burnley
Some people have been comparing this Burnley side to my Charlton team of 2003/4 that eventually finished 7th. All I’ll say to Sean is his team has a long way to go to match that side. Does this Burnley team have anyone on the level of Jason Euell, Herman Hreidarsson and Radostin Kishishev? I don’t think so.
Chelsea
The players are all terrible people, the manager doesn’t want to be there and the fans are racist taxi drivers. As for the owner, he is the perfect person to own an English football club in Chelsea: a Russian oligarch. Yet they are third. If anything, they prove there is no God.
Crystal Palace
You’re going to struggle to stay up if your forward line is lead by a snake. If I was Roy, I would freeze Benteke as punishment. Just lock him in a freezer. That would teach him.
Everton
They need to put their faith in Rooney. He’s their best player by a distance. Play him everywhere. In fact, why did they hire Big Sam? Let him be the manager. Wait, no, go further! They don’t need that Moshiri bloke. Wayne can do it! The man knows how to run a football club, I have no doubt about it.
Huddersfield Town
Daft little ground, silly little club, f**k off.
Leicester City
They win the league once and now they all think they’re super cool. You’re not that cool Leicester. We remember the days of Robbie Savage, Ade Akinbiyi and Trevor Benjamin. Mahrez can dye his hair all he wants, you can’t remove that 90s mid-table League Cup winner stink. Go on, finish 7th! Your captain is still Matt Elliott to me.
Liverpool
Jurgen Klopp is loved by the English press. He’s loved by a lot of football fans across the country. But I have held a dark secret about him that Roy Evans told me at a charity dinner. He once threw soup at a rabbit after Dejan Lovren made a defensive mistake. The man should be fired for that alone.
Manchester City
Could do better.
Manchester United
Like the Black Eyed Peas, not been good since Fergie left.
Newcastle United
A Championship club in the Premier League. I know that the old banter was that Rafa Benitez looks like a Spanish waiter. This is a disgustingly xenophobic statement. Anyway, it’s wrong. He looks like Paul Giamatti.
Southampton
Who?
Stoke City
I get Julie to send them an email every week. They desperately need my help. I see Mame Biram Diouf start and a single tear rolls down my cheek. Why do they insist on offending nature so?
Swansea City
Going down, going down, going down! Going down, going down, going doooooooown!
Tottenham Hotspur
Pochettino has got a lot of plaudits for playing an aesthetically pleasing style of football using largely English players, similar to my West Ham side. For me, Clive, they often end up out of ideas, monotonously repeating the same moves hoping to get a pleasurable result. Like an old married couple attempting to reignite their love life.
Watford
The squad often looks like it’s been assembled by finding out who was available on the way to the ground. It’s also a very difficult team sheet to read out loud. Richarlison. Kiko Femenia. Marvin Zeegelaar. The last guy sounds like he was tried at Nuremberg. Some have said they are reminiscent of my multinational Charlton team. I’ve heard them say it.
West Bromwich Albion
Victims of Pulis-ball, they are now managed by Alan Pardew, a man I suppose I am ‘friends’ with. But it’s definitely one of those friendships where you feel a bit sick after you go home. I know he’s an awful man but when I get that Whatsapp message I’m out on the town. I feel so small.
West Ham United
They’ve been really crap all season, but it serves them right because they’re a terrible football club. Their new manager is barely clinging to the world of the living, hopefully, his recent run of results won’t be enough to stop them falling into the abyss a.k.a The Championship.
Well, there you go. That wasn’t hard, was it? I would like my cheque in the post please, Chris.