This part is supposed to be a preamble, but ever since the gap between first and second became a chasm, the teams are just ambling along with barely a twist or a shock. So instead of me rambling about narratives and trying to dig out something that could be termed as interesting, why not just skip this part and see how your club fared?
The Good
Manchester City: Just give them the trophy and they’ll stop hurting people. After leaving Spurs with a broken pressure valve, it’s pretty clear only Cityitis can stop them.
Raheem Sterling: With self-belief as big as the ego of the special whiner across town, Sterling is turning into the player Liverpool fans feared he would, when they claimed he was useless.
Crystal Palace: If Palace were Waldo in a Where’s Waldo scene, you’d probably look for them near the foot of the table. You’d be wrong. Crystal Palace are 14th. That’s right. FOURTEENTH. I need to lie down.
West Ham United: But before I do that, let’s see how West Ham are doing. And they’re 15th. My whole world’s been turned upside down and I don’t know what’s real anymore.
Marko Arnautovic: Another name struck off Mark Hughes’ Christmas card list.
Huddersfield: Four goals on the road for a side that is likely to cause bookmakers a lot of heartache this season.
Aaron Mooy: Muy fantastico.
Liverpool: Even when they’re winning by four goals, you tend to feel one mistake could bring the house down.
Mohamed Salah: Real Madrid will be getting quite a player next summer.
Christian Benteke: After getting absolutely crucified for usurping penalty duties and then missing from the spot, Benteke redeemed himself by scoring one and assisting the other. A born-again Christian, if you will.
Manchester United: Standards must have really fallen when two goals and a sluggish performance inspires the home fans to belt out ironic chants about parking the bus.
The Bad
Watford: Some teams just love making life difficult for themselves. Watford seem to be one of them. After having a man sent off yet again, the Hornets conceded four goals to a team that had not scored a single goal on their travels since the time of the dinosaurs.
Marco Silva: The hipsters’ favourite seems rattled by Big Sam’s old-fashioned goading. His team have not won a game in five previous attempts. That sound you hear is the cackle emanating from Finch Farm.
Tottenham Hotspur: Turned up with a butter knife at a gunfight and got annihilated.
Harry Kane and Dele Alli: Incredibly lucky to stay on the pitch after trying to break a couple of City players into four.
Stoke City: A team in freefall, a manager in denial and a fanbase arming itself with pitchforks for the imminent mutiny. It’s going to be a cold, rainy Christmas in Stoke.
Glenn Murray: Up, up and away.
Wilfred Ndidi: A second yellow for a dive and the Internet is awash with “Did he dive? Yes, Ndidi” puns. Come on, fellas. Try harder.
West Brom: The Alan Pardew Project is going well, I see. *DancingPardew.gif*
Newcastle United: Welcome to the jungle.
The Ugly
Leading By Example: The Watford captain, Troy Deeney, better known as Senor Cojones, seeking to overcompensate for his missed goalscoring opportunity in midweek, allowed the testosterone to cloud his vision and got himself sent off for a tackle from behind. The Huddersfield captain, Jonathan Hogg, decided to join his opposite number in the dressing room and he too received his marching orders for a second yellow. Leadership. It’s not for everyone.