While the rest of the world was busy enjoying the festivities on Boxing Day, Premier League footballers went back to work and brought some cheer to the hungover, stuffed-to-the-gills and miserable sods like us. Let’s see what they got up to.
Manchester City: Pep is making it look like he’s playing FIFA on the easiest difficulty, while the rest of the league are missing buttons on their game controllers.
Raheem Sterling: As DJ Khaled would say, “Another one”.
Liverpool: Back into the top four after a five goal shellacking of 5wansea. Yes, that’s Swansea spelled with a 5. Juvenile humour is still humour.
Roberto Firmino: Is there a better false-9/striker hybrid in the Premier League? For me, no.
Harry Kane: All calendar year records are meaningless. But don’t tell that to Harry, who scored the most number of goals between January and May of 2017 and then between August and December of the same year.
The Harry Kane Team: Not a jibe, just plain facts. They would be the ones under pressure if it weren’t for Kane and his ability to score a bucketful of goals.
Chelsea: The club that always seems to be one cough away from managerial turmoil are now just one point behind those plucky, second-placed paupers, Manchester United.
Alexis Sanchez: A tantalizing teaser of what he could do if he were yours. And a subtle reminder that he could be yours if you put a ring on it in January.
Burnley: They could have had all three points but one point is not bad, considering it triggered a rant about spending from a man who has spent upwards of £1.1 Billion during his career so far.
Watford: Arrested the development of their predicament into a full-blown crisis. With a bit of luck, of course.
Bournemouth and West Ham: Credit where it’s due, for a madcap, bonkers game of football. Both managers had aged several years by the time the game ended.
Marko Arnautovich: Or is it Arnoutovich? Having his name misspelled on the back of his shirt seemingly fired up the West Ham striker and he took it all out on Bournemouth.
Manchester United: They’ll end up sixth again, won’t they?
Jose Mourinho: The tinfoil hat perched atop Jose’s head grows larger by the day. It won’t be too long before he joins the Flat Earth Society and claims that Guardiola is a cyborg assassin sent from the future to destroy his career.
Newcastle United: It’s one thing raising the white flag, quite another deliberately sending out the useless and the unsuitable into a battle you have no hope of winning.
Kasper Schmeichel: With friends like these…
Southampton: They did manage to score two goals, so Saints fans will be pleased as punch. Much like the way someone kicks the bejeezus out of you and you’re happy because their shoes aren’t shiny any more.
Swansea: Nope, still going down.
Crystal Palace: Slightly unfortunate to play Alexis Sanchez and co. so close to the start of the January transfer window. Hell hath no fury like a wantaway player showing off for prospective buyers.
Bobby Madley: After taking an eternity to come to a decision, referee Bobby Madley allowed Bournemouth’s equalizer to stand despite his assistant’s protestations about rules being broken. “Rules, schmools. I call ‘em as I see ‘em,” he thought, puffing away at his imaginary cigar like a cop in Brooklyn in the 60s. Truly, Madley deeply messed this one up.
West Brom and Everton: This is what you get when an immovable object meets another immovable object and both just sit there waiting for the other to make a move, while the rest of us wonder what we’ve done to deserve watching this.