It’s time for magic; it’s time for the FA Cup! The world’s oldest cup competition rolled into town and the Premier League bigwigs rolled their eyes as they put out experimental (and batshit mental) lineups against minnows from the lower leagues. What happened next? Let’s find out.
Manchester City: The quadruple dream lives on! If Pep had the ego the size of Manchester (or his colleague across town), he could start calling himself Pep Quadriola if they did it. And what if Jose did it, you ask? He’d be Jose Fourinho, watching pigs flying across the Manchester sky.
Jesse Lingard: He scores when he wants. Or more appropriately, when it matters, unlike his Belgian colleague who tends to place the cherry on the cake and tell everyone he baked the whole thing.
Virgil van Dijk: Liverpool’s record signing pulled off a reverse Jonathan Woodgate as he stayed on the pitch and scored at the right end. Cue dozens of op-eds calculating how much of his transfer fee he’s repaid. Hint: not even close.
Sergio Aguero: Must be nice, having a second choice striker who’s better than 90% of the first choice strikers in the country. Sit down, Michy.
Newcastle United: Rafa presumably had a little too much to drink and mistakenly fielded a strong lineup in the FA Cup match against Luton. Either that or someone swapped Rafa’s Premier League teamsheet with the one meant for the FA Cup.
Watford: Captain Cojones, also known as Senor Cojones, was on target as Watford took away Bristol City’s magic wand. No “Magic of the Cup” for you.
Eric Lichaj: The magician of the FA Cup was denied a hat-trick by his teammates. The American’s wife had promised to get him a dog if he got a treble. Put in a transfer request, Eric!
Harry Kane: Two more goals for the calendar year king.
Will Grigg: It’s 2016 again and Will Grigg’s on fire. Your defence is terrified.
Arsenal: The FA Cup used to be a competition that Arsene Wenger could be trusted to win, even with aeroplanes flying “Wenger Out” banners above his head. But this time, even that little shred of comfort is lost. Nottingham Forest snatched away that fig leaf preserving their dignity, booted the Gunners out of the Cup and bolted the doors behind them. While the rest of the world laughs at Arsenal again, maybe it’s time Wenger did the decent thing and granted an interview to AFTV, put Robbie and his chums in their place and quit, live on air.
Mauricio Pellegrino: When a win produces boos, it’s time to cut him loose.
Leicester City: The Jamie Vardy homecoming party failed to get off the ground as Leicester City were held to a goalless draw by Fleetwood Mac… err, Town.
Roberto Firmino and Mason Holgate: No one except the two players knows what was said. Therefore, I expect every tabloid in England to employ the services of a lip-reader to guesstimate the conversation that caused Mason Holgate to start foaming at the mouth. Look closely and you’ll find there’s a Colgate joke in there. Somewhere.
West Ham United: You can’t buy a win, so might as well chip in and buy a cap for your ‘keeper, lads.
Chelsea and Norwich City: A 0-0 scoreline flatters both teams. The FA should call it Chelsea -3 – Norwich City -3, kick them both out and be done with it.
David Luiz: He really should consider changing his name to David Lulz.
Mark Hughes: The straw that broke the unreasonably patient camel’s back turned out to be a loss to Coventry City. They should never let lower division sides play the Premier League also-rans, it’s a recipe for disaster, it doesn’t help anyone and the referees obviously hate my team. Not my words, the thoughts of Sparky, it’s safe to assume.
Chelsea Past vs Chelsea Present: The simmering feud between the current and the former manager managers of Chelsea turned into a catfight as both Jose and Antonio sought out the ears of the press to relay their messages to one another. Jose tried to be clever by calling Conte a clown, who effectively termed him a senile voyeur who still likes to stalk his ex. Jose responded in the only way he knows, by reaching below the belt and calling Antonio a match-fixing cheat. Not one to take things lying down, the Italian then termed his opponent a little man and a fake, while simultaneously throwing down the gauntlet for a one-on-one fistfight on the sideline at Old Trafford. “You’re going down, bitch” and “You come at the King, you best not miss” are presumably the next statements lined up by these two fully grown adults.