Michael Essien has had the pleasure of sending social media into a frenzy this week, with the Premier League legend joining an elusive list of players to be immortalised in the form of modern art (well at least I think it is).
We live in a world where CCTV track our every movement, Google Maps can be used to find new rainforests and Snapchat’s ‘SnapMap’ allows you to stalk your partner’s every movement. So, imagine the shock of walking around Kumasi, Ghana to find a giant disfigured statue of Michael Essien.
It made me realise that no one is safe. We don’t know when or where ‘The Sculpturer’ will strike next. It could be you. You could wake up tomorrow to find a life-size sculpture of Lee Cattermole in your front garden. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Personally, I think it’s former Art Attack host, Neil Buchanan, showing us all one he made earlier, but it’s just a working theory.
To think this was an isolated incident would be foolish as Essien wasn’t the first Ghanaian to be targeted. Poor old Sunderland legend Asamoah Gyan came face to face with his statue. It was the only way to stop the pain. Gyan’s sculpture was found a couple of hundred meters away from the Essien erection; Gyan’s monument was only identifiable by his shocking haircut.
We’re unsure at the moment if this erection was in retaliation for Gyan missing a crucial penalty in the quarterfinals of the World Cup back in 2010. You know the football match which made the entire world hate Luis Suarez for handballing it off the line.
This is starting to become a pandemic. There are new sightings of statues popping up all over the world. Just the other week we found an unidentified statue which couldn’t be distinguished between Steve Bruce or Diego Maradona.
We really do live in the golden age as far as shocking football statues are concerned. Many footballing stars have been ‘honoured’ with a statue. From the Ghanaian duo to the king, Cristiano Ronaldo. No one is safe. These players will have to carry this burden around like a scar of honour, knowing that in 100 years times their only living memory will be the very statue they ridiculed.
I look forward to the erection of a statue to the one true footballing king, the only footballer who deserves a piece of art in their name. I’m of course talking about Southampton legend Ali Dia, more famously known as George Weah’s cousin!