Brumours: Calamity Carroll, Auba Menace and a Kick in the Crouch

Brumours

Things were starting to get a bit dull in the January transfer window when Chelsea decided to get in on the action and raise the bar. Literally. They would also need to raise the roof if they hoped to fit all six feet and seven inches of Peter Crouch in their training facility. Yes, in an historic day for rumour-mongering, big-name newspapers managed to link Peter Crouch with a move to Chelsea. And everyone believed it. Why wouldn’t they? Chelsea have been fluttering their eyelashes and seductively inviting any striker taller than 6’3” to “come over for a good time”, all through January. With Andy Carroll, their previous object of desire, getting himself injured by squealing a bit too enthusiastically upon hearing of Chelsea’s interest, the Blues moved on to other candidates. Frankly speaking, if Andy Carroll were a horse and got crocked so often, someone would have taken him behind the barn by now and… you know the rest.

But Crouch was not the only name on their list. A Chelsea delegation also went over to discuss terms with a couple of lanky lads they found hanging about their training ground. They returned empty-handed and embarrassed when the “lads” turned out to be inflatable, dancing balloon men brought over for Paulo Ferreira’s birthday. Those would have been pretty good in the air, though. Coming back to Crouchy, even Stoke City were taken aback at the news. It is reported that someone at the club rushed to find a step-ladder and hastily slapped a £1.5 million price tag on their 36-year old beanpole, before furiously shaking his head and erasing the decimal point between the 1 and the 5.

Amidst all this madness, news emerged about Chelsea possibly receiving a transfer ban and fireworks could be seen going off at the residence of the mayor of Liverpool. Chelsea fans, reeling from the club’s interest in Carroll, then Crouch, and dreading the arrival of Emile Heskey on deadline day, took to Twitter to implore FIFA to impose the ban immediately. Moments later, in a cruel twist of fate, news broke of Chelsea negotiating with Roma for Edin Dzeko and Emerson Palmieri, leading to thousands of tweets being deleted by backpedalling Blues faithful, who were reinvigorated by their club’s interest in Not Carroll and Not Crouch. Quite a roller-coaster ride for those of the blue persuasion, you’d agree.

But this is nothing compared to Alexis Sanchez’s predicament. The Chilean’s move to Manchester United hangs in the balance while he negotiates a clause in his contract that would exempt him from feeding ‘The Official Dog Food of Manchester United’ to his canine companions. Henrikh Mkhitaryan, meanwhile, has spent the last few days sleeping at the gates of The Emirates with his bindle, looking every bit like a homeless chap who would gladly work for food. Wenger is still keeping the gates locked, though, as he waits for Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to set fire to one of Dortmund’s banners in the Yellow Wall or defecate on the CEO’s car in order to force a move to Arsenal. It’s a game of dominoes, but it looks like everyone will get the players they want in the end. Except Chelsea who, I still suspect, might end up with Carlton Cole, somehow.