Pan the Pundits

It’s the difficult one after the big anniversary party and, spoiler, the Premier League was a bit dull this week. Still, we joined Gary, Alan and Mr Anonymous Jermaine Jenas for this week’s action. OK, maybe action is a strong word.

We started this week at North London Red, a team in such a perpetual state of crisis that over on Talk From The Top Flight we’ve just stopped talking about them altogether. They were hosting the Wevolution who are slowly pulling away from the relegation zone. Well, as much as you can pull away when the bottom half of the table is tighter than a cat’s arsehole.

In something of a theme here, Arsenal strolled to victory here by doing 20 minutes work then half-arseing the rest of the game. Palace’s defending was woeful as Nacho Monreal became the best player in the world before buggering off after half an hour for a nap. Quite why Christian Benteke was so angry at Arsenal’s third goal, I have no clue but it didn’t really help him move up in the B Striker Sweepstake. Petr Cech was heartbroken to not keep his 200th clean sheet in the Premier League which was a shock to me. How can someone so pants keep 199 clean sheets?

The post-match was really dominated by Jack Wilshere’s backpack. How many years in prison does he get for having his name and number on the strap? To quote everyone’s favourite angry Scouser, Dean: “diabolical”.

It was the Etihad next where Manchester City were trying to get over the fact that they only scored three against Dejan Lovren last weekend. They were hosting Newcastle who have spent much of this week crying over a failed takeover. Again. Still, Rafa has been apparently told he can spend some money this month which seems a little empty considering it’s the 22nd and f**k all has been done. No team will ever stay up relying on Joselu.

Guess what? City won. I know, it’s a massive shock but lo and behold a team with Sergio Aguero won. Aguero did get a hat trick here which bloody BBCSporf will be all over. “OMG perfect hat-trick. Left, right, head. Predator fire emoji”. Newcastle did get a goal themselves through Jacob Murphy who is currently following the Nathan Redmond career trajectory. So, expect him to be shouted at by Pep when he shows up with a defensive Stoke side in three years.

Credit has to go to Jermaine Jenas too for pointing out that Rafa has done a good job keeping the goal difference down in Newcastle’s two games against City. Better to only end up three goals down rather than Stoke’s 7.

Down to Brighton next where the hosts are slowly coming to terms with the fact that they’re not brilliant. They did just sign Jurgen Locadia from PSV for a lot of money which is 10000% not going to backfire at all when they go down. They were hosting Chelsea who managed to deplete their entire front line with suspensions in midweek. They’re on the hunt for a target man which has seen them linked with talented players like Peter Crouch, Clive Allen, Ian Wright, Ashley Barnes and the Pope.

Yawn. Chelsea strolled to victory here mostly because Brighton are not that great. Ezequiel Schelotto was involved in most of the incidents for Brighton by falling over in the box. To be fair to him, he was touched by Chelsea’s Willy (heh) once. Then again Brighton were given the willy repeatedly by Chelsea here. Poor Schelotto does have more hair than actual talent though. Couple of observations too. First, why does Chelsea’s black kit have a tramp stamp on it? Second, why did Matt Ryan celebrate saving a free kick? “Yes, it’s still only 3-0 to them.”

It was to the NotBrittania next where Stoke have a new boss in the form of Paul Lambert. Not really the kind of groundbreaking, earth-shattering appointment Stoke were wanting but that’s what you get when all the good managers get employed. They were hosting Huddersfield who, much like Brighton, aren’t actually that good.

Erm… Stoke won a game and kept a clean sheet. That’s really about it. Nothing special. Moving on…

Aw Christ, it was Manchester United taking on Burnley next. I can’t even be arsed. The most exciting thing about this game was my surprise that Aaron Lennon was joining Burnley. Am I completely out of the loop this January? What? How? Why? Anyway, United won and it was pish.

It was Leicester hosting Watford next in the battle of mid-table. Leicester have taken Everton’s spot as the best of the rest this season while the Foreign Guy has seen Watford slide down the table due to poor form. It’s almost like he wanted to go to Everton.

Well, this wasn’t great either and it got the Foreign Guy sacked too. Moment of silence for our fallen friend… anyway, he probably deserved it for thinking Molla Wague was a competent defender. I haven’t seen so much shite defending since watching Everton last week. The most exciting thing for Leicester in their win was actually seeing Adrien Silva play a game for the club after about six decades on the sideline.

Goodison was the next stop as Big Sam and Alan Pardew collided to see who could be the biggest tosser on the touchline. Sam’s made another big-money move by adding Theo Walcott to his squad which isn’t really going to aid their shots on target quota. Plus, Walcott looks weird in blue. With him and Rooney on the books now, it’s almost like they’re trying to put together the England 2012 squad. Anyone got Joleon’s number?

I’ll tell you what, Salomon Rondon actually had a good game. He’s still pish but one time he played well. Krychowiak played a sensational pass for West Brom’s goal and the Baggies were very good at exploiting Everton’s famed defensive square. Luckily for Everton, they have the best striker in the world on their bench in the form of Oumar Niasse who got the equaliser. Sam didn’t look too happy though when it went in because he realised he’s now going to have to keep Niasse around.

We finished off this week at West Ham who were hosting Bournemouth. This might just be the most mid-table sentence ever written in the history of the world. The game was a solid 1-1 draw with Javier Hernandez saving the Hammers. Mind him?

So what have we learned this week? Well, North London Red only tried for 20 minutes, Wilshere needs the jail, Oumar Niasse is the best striker in the world and Sam hates that and I’ve invented the phrase’ mid-table sentence’.