Brumours: Olivier Twist, Dzeko Jam and Little PEA


TRANSFER WINDOW PANIC ALERT KLAXON! It’s still almost a week to go until the transfer window SLAMS shut, but Antonio Conte has set the alarms off in Chelsea HQ. Minutes after his team crashed out of the Carra Bow Cup in true Jamie Carragher fashion – by scoring an own goal – the Italian put on his scruffiest coat, covered himself in a worn out blanket and placed a begging bowl on the desk. He then proceeded to bawl his eyes about Chelsea not getting him the players he wants. Cheer up, Antonio. Don’t you know Chelsea are on the verge of completing the signings of Palmieri and Dzeko?

Oh, hang on. Word just came through, Chelsea have pulled out of signing Edin Dzeko over the length of his contract. And in a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, they’ve also pulled the plug on Palmieri’s move. They’ve left the leftback back home and now laid their eyes on Layvin Kurzawa of PSG. The French club might be more willing to do business, considering they need to show UEFA that they’re trying to “balance the books”. Nudge nudge, wink wink. In more PSG news style icon and Edinson Cavani’s bete noire, Neymar, will not be leaving PSG anytime soon. The Brazilian was reportedly trying to use PSG as a pitstop on his way to Real Madrid, but it’s turned into a golden cage where he will have to settle for earning half a million quid every week while playing at 30% of his ability. Sad.

But sadder still are Arsenal’s repeated faxes to Borussia Dortmund’s offices, each one containing a new figure they’re willing to pay for Aubameyang. Till the time of writing, the figure had reached £500,04,567 with the Gunners increasing the bid by £1 every hour. Dortmund have now collected enough fax paper to meet the heating needs of the entire city for a month, were they to burn it. Dortmund were hoping to take Olivier Giroud in part-exchange, but were unwilling to pay for his entourage of hair dressers. And so, the faxes will continue.

Meanwhile, not content with being just 12 points ahead of second place, Manchester City are planning a move for Eric Laporte. Yeah, that’s right. The poor lad walked into the Bilbao dressing room on his first day and introduced himself as “I’m Eric Laporte” which somehow got misconstrued as Aymeric Laporte. The name has since stuck. I read it on Twitter, so it must be true. Anyway, lorries full of cash are on their way to pay the defender’s release clause. Depending on traffic, the move should be completed by this weekend.

Also on the move is the surprisingly still young Lucas Moura, who saw his opportunities at PSG recede faster than his hairline. The Brazilian winger is wanted by Tottenham, who might take him on loan for the remainder of the season. Hell, they might even buy him outright if Levy is feeling a bit generous. Or drunk.

Down in the lower reaches of the Premier League, Brighton and Crystal Palace are after one of the many Dembeles currently playing professional football. This one plays for Celtic and is rather good so he might have bigger things in mind than a relegation battle. And speaking of bigger things, Olivier Giroud is the latest name linked with the vacant ‘Target Man’ position at Chelsea. Antonio? Hey, Antonio? Are you okay, Antonio? Someone call an ambulance.