At 19:08, having been doing this all day, Tales realised it might be an idea to remind people to refresh the page every so often as it does not automatically refresh. It’s probably not worth it now…

08:01 – as Tales Towers awakes from its slumber, we are quickly scanning the papers to see what deals happened whilst we were in the land of nod. West Ham have their own summary, nabbing Jordan Hugill for £8m, refusing to sign African players because Tony Henry thinks “they have a bad attitude” and failing to make my happy with a deal for Dendonker. He is the only one I wanted. As a result, West Ham have two fit central midfeild players and one of them is Mark Noble. Not quite out of the relegation battle yet then! Swansea City managed to get Andre Ayew back to the club to play with his brother and also brought in Andy King on loan who said he just could not stand to bein the same room as Riyad Mahrez another moment. Palace confirmed Sorloth, nobody confirmed Ibrahim Amadou and that folks, that is it.


20:43 – I lied. This might be. Mangala is having a medical at Everton and I throughly expect him to have informed us all about how he’s always wanted to play for Sam Allardyce by the time I wake up in the morning. That’ll do me. Thanks for following. 4,500 words of total utter tripe but hey, we matched many of the proper football sites out there.


20:34 – this might be the last thing I, er, report on tonight. Alexander Sorloth is heading to Crystal Palace for 10 million big ones up front. Let’s hope he is quicker than his name suggest.


20:29 – the Guardian are suggesting that Andre Ayew to Swansea City is done, just I am giggling at the news that Manchester United are 2-0 down at Wembley.


20:17 – well, this football stuff has killed it all, hasn’t it? All we’ve got now is people talking about what has happened today. We’ve done that folks, we want a crazy last minute transfer. That’s what we are all staying up for. Except me, I’m not staying up. Just sort the Slimani thing out and I’m done.


19:50 – OK, now it’s going to get confusing. There’s actual football happening. And some of these teams are looking to sign players. HOW IS THIS GOING TO WORK? Thank god I have Paul Merson on my screen to guide me through.


19:33 – I should probably put this out there now. I have no intention of sticking around until the window actually shuts. I mean, what are the chances of anyone who we actually care about moving at this time of night? The only one I have half an eye on is Slimani and Newcastle United. If that falls through I want to see the look on Rafa’s face.


19:31 – well, we were not expecting this one. Ademola Lookman, who “isn’t leaving Everton on loan, alright?” has, guess what. Yeah, that’s right. He’s left on loan, hasn’t he! He’s off to RB Leipzig of the Bundesliga. That’s in Germany, Geoff.


19:26 – Michael Bridge at Palace is convinced that Alexander Soloth is ON. He’s been getting the inside scoop from Steve Parrish, or so he says. Not happening is another Aleksandar, this time Mitrovic, who has been denied a home coming at Anderlecht as they failed to flog on of their current players. I don’t know who, and I don’t really care. Does this mean Islam Slimani won’t happen? Tell us. TELL US!


19:22 – spare a thought for the folks on the beat for Sky today. This reporter at West Bromwich Albion has had NOTHING to report all day and her smile has got slightly less wide since 8am this morning. She is persisting with that red coat though, fair play to her.


19:21 – hearing from someone who I could class as “in the know” that Jordan Hugill to West Ham United from Preston North End is a done deal. I still want them to get Dendoncker because that is a hell of a name.


19:20 – oh here we go. A “close friend” of Riyad Mahrez has gone on the record basically telling us that Riyad isn’t best chuffed at being chained to the club that is paying him. That said, if he’s been promised he can go you can understand him being a little narked. He did win them a league, after all. Not a chance that is a close friend though, unless close friend is spelled A-G-E-N-T.


19:00 – you know the problem with Watford? Their goalkeeper. Definitely the goalkeeper. They’d be much better off with a 19-year-old Swede. Pontus Dahlberg has been pictured holding up the Watford shirt and if his handling is being based on this pictorial evidence, I’d not be expecting too much from this lad.


18:44 – “Palace want him? He’s on a train? Get to St Pancreas now!” Ibrahim Amadou of Lille thinks he is off to meet Roy Hodgson but there is every chance David Moyes is planning to kidnap the midfielder upon arrival. £12m, £14m, £16m, £18m? Sod it, fight it out between you.


18:36 – someone just reminded Arsene he hadn’t signed any defenders, clearly. He’s put a call into WBA to see how Jonny Evans is doing and has been told where to put his measly offer.


18:34 – Jim White is getting on my wick now. We know Mahrez isn’t at Goodison, Jim. Your colleagues told us at 8-fecking-AM that Mahrez had not travelled to Merseyside. Please let this end.


18:31 – Sky are calling it BIG BREAKING NEWS but we were all expecting it. Lucas Moura is a Tottenham Hotspur player having joined from PSG for £25m. Not a bad line to get into really, picking up young PSG rejects. Is Javier Pastore still there?


18:25 – this is the deal that tells me it has been an excellent window for Arsenal. They’ve got shot of Matthieu Debuchy! He’s off to St Etienne on a free. More importantly from Arsenal’s point of view, they put some of those wages they’ve now saved towards paying Mesut!


18:15 – Sky, Sky, Sky. It’s NOT up to the minute news when it is exactly the same news as we were told an hour ago. That’s news that is an hour old. Come on. I know it’s a long day for you.


17:53 – DEAL DONE! As if Watford weren’t in enough trouble, they’ve started signing players from Sunderland in the hope they will turn their season round. Didier Ndong has arrived on loan.


17:40 – BREAKING SHIRT NUMBER NEWS! Yes, we are scraping barrels here. Giroud will wear 18! Aubameyang will wear 14! Nobody cares!


17:35 – do we really need to see the dressing where Jim White is warming up? We have bigger things to think about, like why Leicester really thought they’d get £95m for Mahrez.


17:32 – things have slowed once more on Deadline Day. West Ham, Everton, Palace, Swansea City and Newcastle are most likely to see some action before the day is out and then we have the small matter that some football needs to get played tonight as well.


17:11 – not convinced by this one I’ve just seen floating around Twitterland. Stoke City to bring in Samir Nasri, released by his club today? I thought Mark Hughes had been sacked?


17:03 – ahem, it’s Reece Oxford going back to Gladbach having popped back to the UK to see his Mum. Seriously, that one doesn’t count. He came home to get his Christmas presents for crying out loud.


17:00 – the BBC are saying they are about to announce another done deal. They actually impressed me earlier talking about Ozil. What have they got up their tax-payer sleeve this time?


16:56 – well, we didn’t know that Swansea City had to choose between Andy King and Lazar Markovic. Word on the Guardian street is that they’ve chosen the Leicester man. Wasn’t Markovic supposed to be really good a few seasons ago?


16:52 – BREAKING! Manchester City are walking away from the Riyad Mahrez deal, so what the hell are United fans going to talk about now?


16:49 – Michy B should wear 43 if you want it to rhyme. Thing is, Dortmund don’t care for that so gave him 44. The loan has been completed because he is pictured holding the shirt, alright?


16:30 – Southampton fans thought they were on a Promes (it’s pronounced Promise so the gag works). He isn’t coming to St Mary’s though so that’s the last you’ll hear of that word play.


16:27 – signing a striker from Preston North End on DD is commendable, West Ham, it really is but it isn’t exactly what people want in this instant gratification day and age. The Hammers are hoping to snaffle Jordan Hugill. Palace are hoping to hijack the bid, especially as Huglill is heading down south. Issac Success has been far from it, as it goes, and is leaving Watford to head to Malaga or, as you could look at it, jumping out a frying man and landing head first in a fire.


16:18 – oh good, it’s time for some “top, top analysis” from Jamie Redknapp. He’s probably going to say something like, “listen. Mahrez is a top, top player” or something.


16:14 – so what is left to do? Crystal Palace are still hoping of a keeper and a striker because their current options are a bit average. Swansea City would love to do some kind of player reveal on anyone, especially Lazar Markovic, Andre Ayew and Andy King. Michy to Dortmund still needs to be done. Slimani is currently having a medical to hopefully unearth why he was awesome at Sporting and rubbish at Leicester. Realistically, nothing major is likely to appear from nowhere now, boringly. Does anyone know the latest from Leicester and Mahrez?


16:09 – the dog is back and as I walk back through the door Chelsea announce that Olivier Giroud is now their player. £17.5m feels like a good price and they don’t even have to curse him with the number nine jersey.


15:05 – more importantly, could Leicester make up their mind in the next 30 minutes as we have to get back down to the vets and pick up Joey, who has seen two departures on Deadline Day if you know what I mean.


15:02 – BORDERLINE INTERESTING NEWS! According to Sky, City have whacked down £65m and a player in return for Riyad. We have no idea which player it is and Leicester are “considering” it.


15:00 – according to sources in France, Giroud to Chelsea is DONE! Arsenal, you silly, silly sods.


14:48 – on the day they’ve brought in a random keeper from the Czech Republic, Newcastle United have let Freddie Woodman go to Aberdeen so he can actually play some football this season. He won the U20 World Cup with England, in case you’d forgotten already. Even Newcastle, who cannot sign decent players for love nor money, aren’t looking to give players from that glorious summer a chance. Awesome. For that, I hope Jack Colback stays sitting in their reserves costing them a fortune. Nottingham Forest might be too far south for Jack.


14:39 – just putting it out there, maybe Arsenal are planning a superb sting on Chelsea by pulling Giroud at the last minute and leaving Chelsea with Michy. That will please Antonio no end. Don’t forget, Dortmund have to clear Michy by 5pm UK which kinda means Chelsea need to have Giroud sorted by the same time. Are Arsenal that clever? Of course not, but it was fun pretending.


14:35 – Sky fobbing us off with BREAKING NEWS that Andy King might be off to Swansea City on loan. Don’t fall for it, even we mentioned this a couple of hours ago. Maybe it was us to distract us from the fact that Alan Mc and George Boateng are now in the studio.


14:23 – I knew we peaked too early with Aubameyang being announced in the morning. Play the game folks, string it out a bit. It’s not as if Arsenal had anything other than licking their wounds to focus on today.


14:07 – on a slight side note, did these Sky Sports chaps and chappesses doing the beat outside Premier League grounds ever expect that they would be having to speculate on what the emojis used by a player on his Instagram account means? I am guessing not.


14:06 – ONLY THREE HOURS TO GO!! In Germany, the lucky buggers.


14:00 – completely and utterly unconfirmed reports that Kasper Schmeichel has been on the phone to Riyad Mahrez today having a go at him for “the way he is treating his teammates”. Calm down Kas, just because you failed at City.


13:56 – OFF YOU GO! Sandro, who all them in the know were saying was a very clever signing for Everton in the summer, has proven to not be a very clever signing for Everton and is heading back to the sunshine of Seville.


13:51 – I vowed I would not stoop this low but I need to type something. Yes, Islam Slimani’s flight has landed in Newcastle. Just call me a fecking arrivals board. The flight from Gatwick into Malaga is delayed by ten minutes though, so your Auntie Joan will be a little bit late for that gin and tonic.


13:40 – even Sky Sports seem to be losing the will to leave. Imagine being a reporter doing this in Stoke or Newcastle. At least I’ve got a view of the Med.


13:33 – thinking I’m a bit quiet? I can’t lie. I am. THERE IS NOTHING TO TELL YOU and there’s not even any “bantz” floating around.


13:11 – I wouldn’t normally bother with this but hey, it’s quiet. The Guardian are suggesting that West Ham United now want Anderlecht’s Leander Dendoncker. He’s a striker, West Ham need a striker, Anderlecht are bringing back Aleksandar Mitrovic who is also a striker. Plus, Dendoncker is my favourite name of the day. Make it happen dildo brothers!


13:07 – ANNOUNCE DENNIS WISE! Wisey is pretending he knows who Olivier Giroud is. He also clearly sitting on at least three cushions. If Wisey is in, we are bound to see Simon sodding Jordan at some point.


13:00 – 10 HOURS REMAINING! Yeah, seriously. At least there’s some matches tonight to distract us from the misery.


12:46 – DONE DEAL BOOM! Rolando Aarons of Newcastle United had a choice between Hull or anywhere in the world other than Hull and unsurprisingly chose the latter. He is off to Hellas Verona in Italy and frankly, who can blame him?


12:45 – Nothing of interest happening at Huddersfield Town according to their chairman. Apparently Wagner is happy with his squad. So is Jurgen Klopp, having stuffed them last night. West Bromwich Albion have sacrificed one of their own with Daniel Sturridge signing. Tyler Roberts is off to Leeds for £2.5m.


12:40 – BREAKING NEWS! Swansea City and Leicester City are discussing Andy King. Hands up if you didn’t instantly know which one he already played for?!


12:37 – TIME FOR NEWCASTLE FANS TO REJOICE! Sky reckon they’ve just nabbed a big fish. Martin Dubravka, a goalkeeper from Sparta Prague on loan. GET IN!


12:35 – Arsenal fans getting annoyed on the BBC site about Wenger once saying “he’d never sell Giroud to a rival”. He’s not. He’s selling him to Chelsea, the reigning Champions and a club not hoping of sneaking into the Champions League places this season.


12:30 – The whole Mahrez thing has gone very quiet, unless you count Sky completely making up a rumour that Andros Townsend might be a potential replacement. Mind you, he is due a move as it has been at least two windows now.


12:24 – Ozil is going to be getting £350k a week. Still won’t track back though. Mind you, neither would I for that.


12:17 – Actually, the BBC are reporting that Mesut Ozil has signed a new deal with the club. I take it back, that counts as HUGE news.


12:15 – HUGE NEWS KLAXON! The BBC are reporting they have some HUGE Arsenal news coming up. It’s Giroud to Chelsea isn’t it. It can’t be HUGE NEWS if we already expect it to happen, them’s the rules.


12:10 – anybody out there interested in some of the deals going on below the Premier League? No, didn’t think so. Feel free to tweet us on @chrisdarwenfmg or @TalesFromTTF if you are a Bristol Rovers fan or something.


12:06 – the sandwich was lovely, thank you. Avocado, peanut butter and various other salad bits and pieces. Is DD as bad as Christmas Day for a huge build up and then the presents aren’t actually as great as you hoped for? Christmas can often smell of last minute panic buying. You know where I am going with this.


11:58 – BREAKING NEWS! I’m having an early lunch and AFC Bournemouth are looking to get Lewis Grabban back out on a Championship loan deal. Oh, and Palace have agreed a fee for that lad from Denmark I mentioned earlier.


11:53 – Don Goodman and Alan Smith are putting in a decent shift up top on Sky this morning, definitely linking up better than Mike Phelan and Joleon Lescott earler.


11:40 – Daley Blind is looking like staying at Manchester United as they only want to sell him and not loan him. Great way to make the lad feel wanted. Zlatan might be off to MLS and LA Galaxy.


11:36 – sorry Spurs fans, I sold you short in the last update. Of course the big signing is you bringing in Lucas Moura for £25m. That’s nearly done according to people way more in the know than I. Plenty of things are “close” – Andre Ayew back to Swansea City for example. Seriously, this is going to fizzle out big time.


11:35 – we’re back, what have we missed? Well Arsenal have killed all the fun by announcing they have in fact signed Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang from Borussia Dortmund. The fee? Who cares really, that’s the big deal of the day done so we can all go home. Michy B is in Dortmund sorting his medical and will be the replacement. We wait for more news on Olivier Giroud. Apparently Newcastle United are going to get Islam Slimani after all, though there is still plenty of time for that to fall flat on its face.


10:30 – BREAKING NEWS! We are off to the vets again. Joey thinks he is going for a nice walk by the beach but he’s actually having his balls chopped off. You think Arsenal fans are having a bad day. Back in an hour or so, go and read a proper MBM to find out some actual Deadline Day facts if you like.


10:25 – The player I have never heard of, Badou Ndiaye, has passed his Stoke City medical. He is now flying back out of the country to get a different visa before, hopefully, returning to Stoke City with a work permit and all that jazz. Stoke City fans, have you any idea who this guy is or is Paul Lambert signing a foreign Ashley Westwood?


10:22 – DD often throws up players you had forgotten were still at a club. Exhibit A – Lazar Markovic who is, apparently, still a Liverpool player. Swansea City would like to take him on loan now they are out of the relegation zone. All this DD stuff has prevented me from spending enough time pointing and laughing at Arsenal this morning.


10:17 – Don Goodman is definitely winning the battle of the ties on Sky right now.


10:15 – BREAKING NEWS! Lucas Moura does value his career more than the dollar and is joining Tottenham Hotspur from PSG for £25m rather than buggering off to China and hoping Barcelona might notice him out there. The medical is done, just the contract to be finalised.


10:12 – Manchester City wanted a loan fee which, of course, meant Newcastle were no longer in the chase. Mitrovic is off to Anderlecht on loan and it’s being suggested that Islam Slimani might now be off on loan to Newcastle United. That ain’t happening either.


10:11 – It looks like Rafa didn’t even bother turning up for the mud fight with Big Sam. Mangala is being reported to be going to Everton, not Newcastle United, on loan. Oh Rafa, you must hate January.


10:09 – FIRST WHOPPER OF THE DAY! Yeah, it’s 13 hours left. Not 12. Unless I go on German time. Which would render this whole thing pointless.


10:05 – one thing that has just occurred to me. All these “super cool” player reveal videos. Will they still be done with the last minute scramble to the line? Have Dortmund got ones lined up for both Giroud and Batshauyi just in case?


10:02 – Is DD fading already? The BBC are telling us about Celtic trying to buy a keeper from Motherwell. £375k? Don’t talk to me unless it is at least £10m.


10:01 – some kind soul has just reminded me we have 12 hours of this to go.


10:00 – if you have anything you want to add to all this gubbins, I suppose we could do some kind of “get involved” thing. Tweet me on @chrisdarwenfmg or @TalesFromTTF if you have any rumours, questions or pictures of dogs who have just been to the vets.


09:58 – BREAKING NEWS! Phelan and Lescott have been sent home from Sky Sports for being incredibly dull.


09:53 – Michael Bridge is clearly going to be wasted at Crystal Palace today. He adds a bit of flair to proceedings, the only problem is he is in Croydon. Actually, that sounds like Wilfried Zaha.


09:51 – Sky Sports News are now telling me about American Football. GET OFF MY SCREEN. Nobody cares today, come on – do one.


09:50 – it has almost escaped my attention that Daniel Sturridge has ended up on loan at West Bromwich Albion. What’s that Daniel? Didn’t fancy somewhere like Inter? Pardew will hit a peak 9.5 on his smug-o-meter if he manages to get Sturridge dancing in time for the World Cup. My personal feeling is that this is the kind of deal that could get Pardew sacked, hopefully.


09:45 – Swansea City have realised they were a much better side three years ago so are basing their recruitment strategy about repurchasing the very same squad. Wilfried Bony is already there but they need Andre Ayew. £18m is a small price to pay to go back to the future.


09:41 – All this crap about Manchester City, Alexis Sanchez and Riyad Mahrez. Has anyone ever considered the fact that Riyad probably doesn’t want £500k a week and I doubt Sanchez’s agent was going to do the deal for free? Get a grip people, and I am looking at you United fans. You can’t remember what you had for breakfast yesterday but you know the financials on every single City deal in the last two years. Mind you, that’s probably more interesting than watching Jose set up away from home.


09:38 – Dog update. Buddy passed his medical at the vets and has been given the all clear. Joey will be going in at 11:00 and we hope to get the paperwork done for his two balls by 17:00.


09:35 – The Guardian tell me that Roma are in for one of Manchester United’s many fake left-backs. Ashley Young? Nope. Darmian? No, United fans are not that lucky. Luke Shaw. God no, he is actually a left back. Roma want “defensive midfielder who can play at left back” Daley Blind. West Ham will probably be in for anyone they can get their hands on and Leicester City’s Islam Slimani seems to be fitting that bill. That one definitely will not happen. Big Sam Allardyce wants Eliaquim Mangala and will fight Rafa Benitez dirty for him. Roy Hodgson would love a better option than relying on Christian Benteke to turn up one in ten, and is chasing Midtjylland striker Alexander Sorloth who is off to London for a medical at the very least.


09:32 – Joleon Lescott is in the studio with Mike Phelan, telling us that Liverpool need more centre-backs. Nice try Joleon, nobody is signing you again. All the tickers tell me that Chelsea have done the deal for Roma’s Emerson Palmieri, a left back. Stoke City have agreed a fee with Galatasary for Badou Ndiaye, a Senegal midfielder. Can they turn these work permits around that quickly? Who knows. Andre Schurlle has dodged a bullet as Borussia Dortmund have refused a loan move to Swansea City. I know things haven’t been great at Dortmund this season, but still.


09:30 – I’m back from the first vet trip of the day. Let’s call it regular Deadline Day medicals, shall we? Nothing smacks of DD more than Mike Phelan on my tellybox talking about transfers – something he didn’t get to do much of in his ill feted spell as gaffer at Hull City. I’m being told that Aubameyang is having his medical and there is a little box saying Giroud has probably played his last game. For Arsenal I presume, because if he retired that would mess this whole transfer triangle up.


08:33 – And with that folks, we have the first vet trip of the morning. When I return, I expect at least 33 completely unsubstantiated rumours involving Scandinavian strikers, Bosnian full backs and one Argentine number 10.


08:30 – Manchester City have also signed Jack Harrison from New York City. Well, I say signed. They’ve really just moved him from one club they own to another. Jack is young, attacking and English so it makes zero sense why they have sent him straight on loan to Tony Pulis at Middlesbrough. Watford have signed a Belgian winger I have never heard of and Ahmed Musa lost his bet with Oumar Niasse to see who would be the first one to depart the Premier League. The under-used Leicester front man is off to CSKA Moscow.


08:25 – Hands up if you feel a bit sorry for Rafa Benitez? It must be a tough life only getting hold of Chelsea hand-me-downs and those not really good enough to play for Manchester City despite joining Manchester City for £30m+ a few years ago. Mangala is in Rafa’s sights – on loan, let’s not get carried away. Whilst you’re there Rafa, try and get Yaya as well. Deals that have been done see Sevilla take Everton’s Sandro off their hands and Roque Mesa from Swansea City (who haven’t even noticed as they are still celebrating last night’s win)


08:20 – What else is going on? Ah yes, Manchester City. Pep is unable to spend big, or so he said. That must have got lost in translation I reckon. Because Pep is spending ever so big. The transfer record at City went yesterday as Ayemeric Laporte landed in Manchester and probably felt quite at home as it does look a bit like Bilbao. As soon as that deal wa done, Pep wanted someone to do a job for the 7 weeks Leroy Sane is out injured for. £50m for Riyad Mahrez should do it! Mahrez has now put in a transfer request, refuses to play for the Foxes tonight and is thought to be very keen to play ten times for Pep before joining Bernardo Silva, that Ukranian lad, Yaya Toure and many, many more in the stands on match day.


08:13 – Unfortunately, I cannot confirm that Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang took one look at last night’s match at the Liberty Stadium and legged it back to Dortmund on foot. Worryingly for Arsenal, even Guillem Ballague is saying the deal is on which means there is every chance that it is certainly off. Now, for this to happen – Dortmund want an adequate replacement and as that would cost silly money they are prepared to take Michy Batshuayi on loan, mainly because if nothing else he’ll get them some Instagram followers. If Michy departs from Chelsea then Antonio Conte will expect a striker to rock up at the Bridge. Sit down Crouchy, it won’t be you. Olivier Giroud refused to move to Germany but likes the colour blue as he plays much better for France than he does Arsenal. So he’s off to the Kings Road meaning that his peg is now available in the dressing room for Auba. Clear? Good. And they have until 5pm to make this happen because the German FA don’t work evenings, even on Deadline Day.


08:05 – well, good morning dear reader. It’s all a bit crazy, isn’t it? All this going on at the same time as transfer deadline day? No, I don’t mean the Premier League action later – I’m talking about the fact the missus has booked in two of the dogs to have the snip today. Madness. But never fear, I will be here throughout the day giving you the Tales inside track on what, or more likely what isn’t, happening across the football world.