In the week where a certain wispy-haired despot took to the podium to convince the world that he is not as deranged as his words and actions have thus far suggested, we imagine what the State of the Union address would have looked like were it not delivered from Capitol Hill, but from Conference Room C at the Emirates Stadium…
Enter Arsene Wenger. He’s here to deliver his highly anticipated ‘State of the Gooners’ address, 2018. He is met by rapturous applause from one half of the room – where the likes of Steve Bould, Ivan Gazidis and Stan Kroenke are in attendance – and steely glares from the other, where disenchanted fans, including most of the cast of Arsenal Fan TV, sit arms folded already having written off whatever he has to say. A couple are reading newspapers. As the applause dies down, the low drone of a prop plane with a Wenger Out banner flailing behind it can be heard circling outside.
He is momentarily interrupted by more exuberant applause from Kroenke and Gazidis.
“Thank you. Hello everybody. This is a happy occasion and I’d like to thank you all for being here on a day where I am calling for bipartisan unity to move our great club forward.
“We have the greatest economy of any football team in the world ever. And yesterday I managed to talk down Borussia Dortmund from £55.41 million to £55.4 million to bring Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang to our great club. That is what I bring to this club, and why I am held in such high regard by the almighty overlor-, I mean, our wonderful board of directors.
“That Aubameyang move was a record transfer for us, and we have also brought in the extreme talent of Henrikh Mkhitaryan. My dear and close friend Mesut Ozil also expressed how keenly he wanted to stay: make no mistake, the £350,000 per week played little to no part in that loyal decision. These are the sort of quality business deals you can expect with me at the helm.”
Another standing ovation breaks out on one side of the room, weary groans on the other.
“I have an immense history at this club. I have managed some of the best players in the world and even led us to an unbeaten Premier League season. But I appreciate that some of you with an especially high level of expectation of Arsenal may be disappointed with some of our results in recent weeks. On Tuesday night, we fell victim to a club in Swansea with a vast wealth of talent and history. The likes of the Vieira-esque Leroy Fer battling us down in the middle of the park and Bergkamp-esque Sam Clucas bringing forward danger from midfield were always going to cause us serious problems.”
An exasperated “FAM!” can be heard from the Arsenal Fan TV consortium.
“It is also time to recognise that this club has a serious emigration problem. Over the years we have lost too many of our most talented players to treacherous defection. I can’t even remember the name of that Latin American character who used to play under our employ. Our emigration has been out of hand for too long. Our only answer is to build a wall 12 feet high around the border of our majestic stadium to curb the exceedingly high levels of emigration from this club. I stress: there is NO COLLUSION between us and our rivals, Manchester United.”
A huge ovation and ecstatic applause from the board of directors, who can be heard chanting: “Four more years! Four more years!”
“Together, let’s make Arsenal great again!”