Now that the transfer window has slammed shut, there’s nothing left to do than to get back to the grind of Premier League football. Teams are stuck with players they wanted to offload and without the players they wanted to add, until the next time the circus rolls into town. Let’s see what difference the new recruits made to their teams’ fortunes this week.
Arsenal: Scored five goals against a hapless Everton side, which should be enough to distract their fans from the fact that they’re still five points off a top-four place. Oh, and that their record signing, Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, is ineligible for the Europa League, their most realistic hope of getting into the Champions League next season. Wheels within wheels, lads.
Aaron Ramsey: If this were 2012, people would be keeping an eye on the obituaries section for reports of famous people kicking the bucket after Ramsey’s hattrick. But it’s not, so we’re cool. Although Marvel’s Stan Lee has not been feeling too great recently. Oh, God.
Little PEA and Mkhi: Aubameyang shoots, Aubameyang scores! On his debut for Arsenal, the speedster opened his account for the Gunners, finishing a Mkhitaryan pass and rekindling their partnership from their Dortmund days. Mkhitaryan seemed to be moved to tears at finally getting the chance to breathe freely after escaping Mourinho’s dungeon in Manchester.
Little Pea: A penny for Chicharito’s thoughts after he scored for West Ham. It’s like paying the bills, taking the kids to school and mowing the lawn, despite being stuck in a loveless marriage.
Manchester United: The gap is down to just 13 points now!
Burnley: The scourge of top teams, withstood the relentless onslaught (and shocking misses) from Manchester City to grab a point and blow the title race wide open. Or maybe not.
Southampton: Saints fans woke up on Sunday, still pinching themselves. Their team had managed to score three goals in one game!
Swansea: They didn’t lose!
Bournemouth: After beating Chelsea last week, the Cherries continued their winning run. Even Lys Mousset scored! Yeah, look him up.
Kenedy: it doesn’t take much to be the best player at Newcastle. The Chelsea loanee took that crown within two weeks.
Brighton: They love playing West Ham, since it guarantees a minimum of three goals on the board for the Seasiders. The chant – “Can we play you every week?” – was made for this matchup.
Mohamed Salah: Faster than a speeding bullet, the Egyptian notched his 20th goal for Liverpool in just 25 games. This makes him the fastest ever Reds player to reach this landmark. Once again, all Chelsea fans unite to say thanks to one Jose Mourinho.
Harry Kane: 100 Premier League goals for the boy from ‘The Sixth Sense’.
Liverpool: The referees and the linesmen will get the blame, but Klopp should launch an investigation into his team’s hilarious defending in the last two minutes of the game.
Virgil Van Dijk: Already repaying every bit of that £75 million with regular moments of slapstick comedy.
Everton: Big Sam put it most eloquently when he said, “The whole team played crap”. Preach.
Pep Guardiola: The Manchester City manager named only six substitutes for the game against Burnley, after the club failed to sign Riyad Mahrez for him on deadline day. As hissy fits go, it was like a child trying to hold their breath until their face turns blue, simply because their parents wouldn’t buy yet another expensive toy to add to a shelf full of expensive toys.
Raheem Sterling: “Has he cost them the title?” – Probable headline on a red-top rag masquerading as a newspaper.
Huddersfield: The Championship awaits, unless they elevate their level of crappiness to just one notch above the surrounding teams. Yes, they’re all that useless.
West Ham United: Speaking of useless, West Ham may have escaped the relegation zone but the path to safety is littered with banana peels. One slip, and you’re back in it.
West Brom: Back to being a bit rubbish. Guess the Pardiola Effect wore off pretty quickly.
Eliaquim Mangala: If Big Sam can turn him into a competent defender, he should retire (for real this time) and spend the rest of his life as a motivational speaker. Or a miracle worker.
The Missing Mahrez: After trying (and failing) to leave Leicester City for the past four transfer windows, Riyad Mahrez thought this was his time. Manchester City had made a move for him and he saw it as the moment his life had been building towards. Alas, Leicester City decided to be selfish spoilsports and refused to let the Algerian leave, unless it was on their terms. Mahrez chucked his toys out of his pram when the transfer did not materialise and has been on a strike ever since. Mahrez blames Leicester for blocking the transfer, Leicester blame City for lowballing and City blame Leicester their ridiculous demands. The clubs will move on but Riyad, if you’re reading this, maybe you should just look for a better agent, mate.