The Magnificent 7: Gracia completes the Premier League, Sham Allafarce strikes again and assistant refs all over the world join arms

The Magnificent 7

Sorry if you see a few grammatical errors in today’s piece. It’s quite hard to type when you are still rolling around on the floor laughing at Chelsea.

#1 Javi Gracia

This Premier League thing is pretty easy according to Javi. The man with the name that is easy to get wrong just rocks up and smashes the underachieving Champions in his first home game. Nailed it Javi. I’d resign now my friend as it will not get better than that.

#2 Olivier Giroud

Agent Giroud is doing a fine job already. He watched his new club get done 3-0 by Bournemouth and then they lose 4-1 to Watford. Either Olivier is bringing the Arsenal mentality to Chelsea or Chelsea are just looking to make him feel at home.

#3 Assistant referees all over the land

Assistant referees all over the world were united on Sunday as Eddie Smart showed he had more smarts than Jon Moss by talking him through the rule book. Well, they are there to assist. Social media went into meltdown as it looks like Smart actually celebrated getting a decision right. I like that. Why shouldn’t he celebrate? The amount of pressure the officials are under now, it must be a great feeling when you know you’ve got something absolutely spot on. Despite what everyone else thinks.

#4 Sham Allafarce

“We need to be more boring,” said Sham a while back. “One thing Everton will now be is tough to beat,” said experts.  “We need to get back to basics” Big Sham, again. “We don’t have any pace in the squad,” said Sham before loaning out their quickest player to RB Leipzig and selling their other quickest player to Burnley. Everton, you can do one thing right this season. Sack him.

#5 Harry Kane

That’s 100 up for Harry, well done and all that. He’s the 2nd fastest to 100 goals in Premier League history after Alan Shearer. Harry reckons he can do the next 100 even quicker. I’m not so sure, as referees are cottoning on the fact that Dele Alli loves a dive in the area and the penalties won number will now reduce massively. That said, they didn’t reduce that much on Sunday.

#6 West Ham United

Just another week at West Ham really, no? A bit of casual racism and Lady Brady looking like a complete idiot. Tony Henry sent emails saying that the Hammers didn’t want to sign African players for reasons we don’t need to go over again, despite the fact that the two players West Ham were trying to get on deadline day were, in fact, African. As for Lady Brady, her newspaper column slating Leicester for sacking Ranieri was the number one reason that Leicester refused to loan Slimani to the Hammers. I’d love it if he scored the goals that now kept Newcastle up and sent West Ham down. Sorry, not sorry.

#7 Antonio Conte

Antonio, old chap. When doing the whole “the board should be publically backing me” routine it is wise not to lose to Bournemouth and Watford in consecutive matches. Crack on.