Tales Top Tips

Start your engines folks, because the Premier League weekend gets underway with a proper cracker for us all to enjoy.

Tottenham Hotspur vs Arsenal

There is SO much riding on this North London derby. With chinks appearing in Antonio Conte’s armour, could it be that one of these two sides could catch Chelsea and nick a top-four spot? Arsene Wenger has done a lovely job of making the front garden look ever so pretty¬† with the signings of Yo Pierre and Mhky-T, but sadly he still hasn’t bought a lock for the back windows with Petr Cech et al looking somewhat flimsy. Mauricio Pochettino will fancy this and a certain Harry Kane does have a habit of scoring in these ones. Please let it be entertaining.

Tottenham Hotspur 3 – 2 Arsenal

Everton vs Crystal Palace

Apparently, Roy is still waiting for Sham Allarfarce to give him a call to apologise for mocking his speech impediment on that video that cost Allardyce the England job. Hodgson, being the perfect gentleman as always, has said he can accept the football criticism but Sham took it a bit too far. What better way to pay him back by inflicting more misery on the Everton punters? But, in really rubbish news for the Palace lot, Wilf Zaha is out for a month and Christian Benteke may as well be. Where will the goals come from? Allardyce has said Gylfi and Rooney cannot play together, despite the evidence showing that when they do both start Everton sometimes win and when only one of them starts Everton tend to lose. Never let the stats get in the way, Sham.

Everton 0 – 1 Crystal Palace

Stoke City vs Brighton & Hove Albion

This one doesn’t exactly get the heart beating faster, does it? Stoke have looked more solid since Hughes left, but considering they had shipped 50-odd goals under him this season I think they could have appointed Nello and been tougher to break down. Brighton do look as if they have a chance of surviving, but the Premier League can be a cruel mother and we don’t really know what is going to happen even if columns like this try and pretend we do.

Stoke City 0 – 0 Brighton & Hove Albion

Swansea City vs Burnley

The best league in the world! Well, look at the last three fixtures. Meh. Anyway, isn’t Carlos Carvahal a top boy? Swansea are going well under him and everyone loves a bit of Sean Dyche. I could see Swansea continuing their revival here and Tammy Abraham has remembered what he was sent on loan to do.

Swansea City 2 – 1 Burnley

West Ham United vs Watford

Watford, bloody hell. Javi Gracia got his maiden victory hilariously battering Chelsea 4-1. West Ham had a slightly different week, all in all. There is chat that the West Ham board are already looking for another managerial option for next season, so if I was Moyseh I’d accept that this could be my last ever job and I’d take West Ham down and screw them up completely.

West Ham United 1 – 1 Watford

Manchester City vs Leicester City

No Riyad Mahrez. I repeat, no Riyad Mahrez. Apparently, the thought of having to play against Pep has seen the Algerian break down in tears. He is still not quite over the fact the transfer didn’t go through. City need to get back to winning ways after the crisis of drawing at Burnley. City will get back to winning ways, crisis over.

Manchester City 4 – 1 Leicester City

Huddersfield Town vs AFC Bournemouth

Huddersfield have very quietly and efficiently slipped to second bottom in the league. Bournemouth have very quietly and efficiently amassed a 7 game unbeaten streak and are 9th in the table. It’s funny how it goes. Yet, despite being unbeaten in 7 I have Bournemouth down as unpredictable and inconsistent because I am lazy, so I reckon Huddersfield might win this.

Huddersfield Town 2 – 0 Bournemouth

Newcastle United vs Manchester United

One manager is making the best of it, knowing he is pushing water up a hill with the minimal transfer activity going on and thinking “I won a Champions League don’t you know?” The other is dreaming that Mike Ashley might still bugger off soon. Reality says Manchester United will grind out a dull 1-0 or maybe a 2-1. It won’t be fun to watch. I do feel for Rafa. He is more pragmatic than ever, but what else can he do? If you are having to put all your creative eggs in the basket labelled “Jonjo Shelvey” then you are right up against the wall.

Newcastle United 0 – 2 Manchester United

Southampton vs Liverpool

I love games like this, where players like Adam Lallana, Dejan Lovren, Sadio Mane, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Nathaniel Clyne and, of course, Virgil van Dijk get to return home and see the family. Jurgen Klopp is also excited by the game as it is the most cost-effective scouting trip of the season. Is there anyone in the current Liverpool B team that could be worthy of a first-team place next season? Jack Stephens is playing well and when on form Fraser Forster is no worse a keeper than Liverpool’s collection. Anyway, Liverpool to win this in style.

Southampton 0 – 3 Liverpool

Chelsea vs West Bromwich Albion

Oh, spoil the fun. Chelsea are nose diving like they seem to do every other season and then they get given a gimmee at home to Alan Pardew. Where is the fun in that?

Chelsea 3 – 0 West Bromwich Albion