Pan the Pundits

With the FA Cup back last weekend, I decided that I was only contractually obligated to cover league MotDs. Sadly, this weekend karma dictated that all the good teams (apart from Liverpool) were off for a cheeky Saturday pint. Still, it warmed my heart to know that both Alan Shearer and Frank Lampard were joining Gary for this miserable experience.

Also, Lampard’s jumper makes him look like that teacher you see outside of school and it turns out they still dress like the human equivalent of a Volvo.

We start with the programme’s good team, Liverpool, who were hosting constant comedy fodder West Ham. Liverpool have had a lovely little break having battered Porto in the Champions League in midweek. Everything is going rather nicely for the Reds, which is odd. West Ham are still a club that manage to make a mess of themselves during a break with FA charges and other nonsense going on. At least Patrice Evra’s around to drive a taxi and stuff.


I mean, not to sound like a biased Liverpool fan, we’re pretty f**king good. Admittedly we were playing West Ham who had a 4000-year-old Evra on the wing with lead in his arse. He’s so slow he runs in reverse. Mo Salah is still the king, Bobby Firmino is just as good and Emre Can is a beautiful man who we should give a contract to immediately. Hell, I’ll even chip in with a Kit-Kat or Rocky.

It was to Brighton next where, surprisingly, we saw two of the most in-form teams in the Premier League. Swansea were the visitors and, somehow, a team including Mike of the Horn were unbeaten in ten. Brighton, with a man named Glenn up front, were unbeaten in five. This league truly is weird.

Oh, Mike mate. Apparently, the Swansea boys don’t particularly like Mike of the Horn and they won’t be that happy with his defending for the penalty. Brighton were very good but Swansea were pretty woeful. It was like being back six weeks ago. Except for the Brighton were very good bit.

It was to the Hawthorns next where the Wall has well and truly crumbled with the Baggies set to go down at this rate. Jonny Evans’ attempts to get a move away from West Brom haven’t worked so far even despite stealing a taxi. In fact, a few Baggies fans might even say most of their team are stealing a living this season. They were hosting Huddersfield who everyone still likes which is nice.

Poor West Brom. I’ve shown them so much love in the last 18 months but now they’re pretty much goners at this point. Huddersfield were easily the better side and that’s a shame for every West Brom fan. Except Adrian Chiles. I always enjoy his fat face looking sad. The man has jowls for Christ’s sakes.

Oh hai, Newcastle! Yes, Rafa’s boys have been rarely seen on PtP this season but we get a lovely wee run out from them at Bournemouth. Both sides aren’t completely out of trouble but this was one of those games that looked like a fun little thing to watch. Sadly, Dwight Gayle was there to raise my ire.

Stupid Dwight Gayle scoring two awful shitebag goals. His first is one that makes you want to clock him if that was at fives and the second is a stroke of luck. I also hate his rubbish haircut. Sadly for Newcastle, Jonjo Shelvey is made of stone and knocked his keeper out which is exactly why they threw away a two-goal lead.

It was to Leicester next where the Foxes are fairly comfortable in the top half so nothing really to report. They were hosting Stoke who are very quietly setting about playing in the Championship next season. That’s the sort of thing you get when you appoint Paul Lambert though.

Poor Stoke. It was all going so well until Paul Lambert had to change his jumper because Kasper Schmeichel is too stupid to figure out that the man in blue standing still on the right isn’t your man. Actually, it might be if he had blonde hair. Sadly, Jack Butland couldn’t even blame the sun for his howler. Nope, not even the stain on journalism.

Aw, Jesus, we’ve got the absolute dreg ends of the Saturday action now so I’ll summarise them in a sentence. Not even Oumar Niasse could stop Everton losing at Watford in a game so bad I might ask Sky for a refund for making it the TV game despite the fact I don’t have Sky. Finally, Burnley were so close to winning 1-0 (again) until Manolo Gabbiadini scored a goal for Southampton.

I still can’t figure out what’s more shocking: a goal for Southampton or a goal for Southampton for Gabbiadini.