The Magnificent 7: How many Arsenal players this week?

The Magnificent 7

Oh, Arsenal fans. If you thought I was a bit mean last week, I suggest you go and read something else right now. Anything. Even the Daily Fail. Actually, no. It’s not that bad, yet. I cannot believe there will be any Alan Pardew fans reading this, but if so, I’d probably look away now as well.

#1 Arsene Wenger

Look, Arsene. I hate to break this to you, but you are no longer “the best man for the job”. You can’t sit there and say “the sign of a good manager is making a crisis short”. Arsenal have been in fucking crisis for the best part of a decade, if you are being truthful to yourself. Losing twice in a week to Manchester City, well that can happen to the best of them. But bookending that with a home defeat to Ostersunds¬†and an away loss at Brighton where Glenn Murray was made to look like Gabriel sodding Batistuta? No. It’s done. Go home. At this rate, you’ll do well to finish above Burnley and you can forget about beating AC Milan over two legs.

#2 Alan Pardew

“If I didn’t reflect on some of the things that were said it would mean I am not a good manager”. Oh, Alan. Are you still living in a dream world where you believe you are a good manager? Have you seen the table? Have you seen your team play? How’s that “off-the-leash” style of play going, eh? Have many of the players booked a therapy session with you? No, didn’t think so. The fact that you lost on Saturday and still have a job as I write this is curious to me. It can only mean there is pact amongst out of work managers that they really, really want to see you get relegated so are refusing to take the job until next season.

#3 Antonio Conte

On one hand, it was Antonio Conte’s tactics that won Chelsea the title last season. On the other hand, it was Antonio Conte’s tactics of playing Eden Hazard as a false nine then lumping long balls up in the direction of where Olivier Giroud or Alvaro Morata would be hanging around that meant they lost 1-0 to a somewhat benevolent Manchester City at the weekend. Where are Chelsea really going right now? I don’t think anyone knows, but we probably all know where Conte is going in the summer.

#4 Petr Cech

Sure, big Petr has held up both hands on social media to admit his mistakes, but if he had done a better job of holding up both hands during the actual match against Brighton then Arsenal might not have found themselves 2-0 down.

#5 Riyad Mahrez

For a player that really, really wants to leave Leicester City he is doing a very, very good job of pretending he wants to be there. a 97th minute low free-kick from distance to earn his side a point? You can understand why Leicester don’t want him to leave just yet.

#6 Carlos Carvalhal

I’ve been saying this for weeks but I refuse to see Swansea City go down because the Premier League needs Carlos’ soundbytes. “We played like 11 brothers today, not 2” was my moment of the weekend. He’s not even English folks, and he has a better command of the language than Sham.

#7 Martin Glenn

An idiot running the FA? How on earth did this happen?