The Magnificent 7

We have to dip out of the Premier League momentarily in today’s Mag7 because #1 is far too daft to ignore and shows the FA up to be exactly what they are, incompetent idiots with their priorities all over the place. Shall we begin?

#1 The Football Association

Racism in the stands? Let the clubs deal with it. Homophobia in the stands? See the previous answer? Players swearing in the faces of referees? Ignore it. You know the FA drill by now, right? So when Andy Holt, chairman of League Two Accrington Stanley, ‘bragged’ about how he puts the lure of a free McDonalds in front of his players if they win, it was only natural that the jobsworth FA would get involved demanding to know why “McDonalds” wasn’t listed on the player’s contracts under ‘win bonuses’. As the chairman explained on Twitter, it’s his money and he should be able to do what he wants with it. It seems to be working though, as Accrington lead League Two and look like hitting the third tier for the first time in their lives.

#2 Harry Kane

Oh, Harry. Give it a rest now, lad. Fair enough that you try and claim it on the day. I’ll even allow you to go on about it a bit in the changing room afterwards. After all, you are a ‘proper goalscorer’ and all you care about is how many are next to your name come the end of the season. But to get Tottenham Hotspur to lodge an official appeal just because you imagined it brushing your shoulder? I know you want to beat Mohamed Salah, that’s understandable but still. You should have got your head on it properly, shouldn’t you?

#3 Nuno Santo

Nuno can slip in here because he will be in the Premier League next season. Anyone who can properly wind up Tony Pulis and Neil Warnock in the space of a week is alright in my book. At the Riverside a week or so ago, Nuno legged it on the pitch to celebrate with his team after they hung on against Middlesbrough with just nine men. Pulis wasn’t impressed, but you could understand Nuno’s emotion. At the Cardiff City Stadium last Friday, Wolves survived two last-minute penalties to beat Cardiff and, again, he legged it on to the pitch before shaking Colin’s hand. When he went to make friends, Warnock spent about 20 seconds telling Nuno to “fuck off” and then had a moan on Sky Sports talking about ‘respect’ and ‘how things are done over here’. Yes, that’s right. Neil Warnock preaching about morality in football. Good work, Nuno.

#4 Paul Pogba and his blue hair

Paul, if it was a prank it turned out alright in the end. In the build-up to Manchester City’s coronation that went wrong, Pep Guardiola claimed that Pogba’s agent had offered him to City in January and Pep had said no. Pogba, either making it clear he wanted to play for City (which kinda tallied with his first-half performance) or making fun of the situation (which kinda tallied with his second-half performance) dyed his hair blue for the match. And there’s most of the world just wishing he would spend more time playing just that little bit better.

#5 Chris Smalling

Midway through the first-half at the Etihad, social media went into meltdown as Chris Smalling learned the hard way that you cannot stop big Vincent by tugging at his coat-tails. Smalling was cast aside, again, as the worst central defender to play for Manchester United, ever. He was kicked off the plane to Russia. He was done, finished. It was over for Chris. Yet, midway through the second-half social media went into reverse, praising Smalling for his character, how he bounced back, how his goal showed true leadership skills. In many ways, all we really learned is that social media is very fickle during a game of football and that the 90 minutes on Saturday pretty much summed up the entire career of Chris Smalling.

#6 Sean Dyche

There cannot be a much better feeling as a manager when the substitute you’ve just sent on scores an equaliser with his first touch?

#7 Danny Welbeck

Welbeck did make quite a fair point when he took on his critics with the whole, “I didn’t miss on purpose” approach. No, Danny. But you still missed.