Hang on, I was promised a full midweek Premier League programme. And what have we actually got? Four matches and none of them really mean anything. Look at them, tell me they mean something. See, told you.
Brighton & Hove Albion vs Tottenham Hotspur
Brighton will stay up, Spurs will finish in the top four and Harry Kane won’t win the golden boot. What else is there to discuss? Christian Eriksen might score again. As might Glenn Murray. But do we really care?
Brighton & Hove Albion 0 – 3 Tottenham Hotspur
AFC Bournemouth vs Manchester United
What better way for United to get over the embarrassment of losing to West Bromwich Albion than a pointless game on the South Coast? Bournemouth will play nicer football than United and lose. Simple. Bournemouth won’t care, they are safe. United won’t care as they will finish second as Liverpool are now very distracted.
AFC Bournemouth 1 – 2 Manchester United
Burnley vs Chelsea
Burnley probably care a little bit as (a) it would be nice to beat Chelsea and (b) it would be hilarious if they finished above Arsenal. Chelsea probably care less as they are not going to catch Spurs and most of the players are more interested in who is going to be shouting at them from the touchline next season.
Burnley 2 – 1 Chelsea
Leicester City vs Southampton
Oh my god, really? Leicester players are trying to oust Claude Puel, just like Southampton players did last season. Southampton are done, down, finished. Even if they win this, which I doubt they will, they are down. Nobody cares, nobody cares at all.
Leicester City 1 – 1 Southampton