Controversial new plans to ensure each Premier League club must field at least three women in their teams from next season have been blasted by football fans.
The new rules mean the top-flight powerhouses such as Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal will be forced to shed some of their first team squad to accommodate the players from their respective ladies’ teams.
The move comes after new FIFA president Eric Le Schlong issued the decree from the governing body’s HQ in Switzerland as part of a trial to merge the two genders at the very top of the world’s favourite sport.
English clubs failed to send representatives to an emergency meeting to go over the plans and there were successful requests from Europe’s other big leagues to not be included in the trial. Early indications from insiders at FIFA say the bombshell-decision-cum-startling-development comes at the behest of TV bosses desperate to increase revenues from advertising during live televised games.
An insider, who we failed track down so invented for the purposes of giving this hogwash a smidgeon of credence, said TV chiefs wanted to “freshen up the game in England to help take the minds of the people off the wretched situation regards Brexit”.
None of the Premier League clubs affected by the new initiative would comment publicly on the development with sources close to Manchester City suggesting a joint statement was being prepared and would be issued within the next “four or five minutes”. After six or seven minutes we gave up and dreamed up, and then issued our own statement. Then we threw Chelsea into the mix. The false statement from Stamford Bridge reads: “Here at Chelsea we are an inclusive club but we remain unconvinced that the blokes and the birds can play together in the same team. Not in football, anyway.”
Supporters are unsurprisingly gobsmacked that the legislation has been passed and that the 2019-20 season will see clubs in the Premier League playing women alongside men. Kevin Welling, an ardent Arsenal fan who has followed the Gunners for many years and often talks with food in his mouth, said: “Ghffffhh sstttttdgt cchhhcchh hfphhhty.”
When asked to clear the grub from his gob and clarify his remarks, he said: “I am shocked. This is not only unfair to the players who will be involved, it is also unfair to the fans who pay good money to see players at the top of their game compete fairly with the members of their own sex.” With that he sunk his gnashers into a meat and potato pie and the remainder of his remarks were unintelligible.
Meanwhile, Jack Anory, chairman of Yeovil Ladies FC, says the move is one which is baffling. He added: “The women’s game has made great strides over the years and is a great product in its own right so there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to merge the two just to appease the FIFA progressive thinkers who have decided on such an idiotic edict under the presidency of this fool Schlong, who is quite clearly a buffoon and who is mind-numbingly deluded.”