{"id":5792,"date":"2017-12-08T15:30:37","date_gmt":"2017-12-08T15:30:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.talesfromthetopflight.com\/?p=5792"},"modified":"2017-12-07T22:20:08","modified_gmt":"2017-12-07T22:20:08","slug":"curbing-enthusiasm-letters-answered","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.talesfromthetopflight.com\/2017\/12\/08\/curbing-enthusiasm-letters-answered\/","title":{"rendered":"Curbing Your Enthusiasm: More of your letters answered!"},"content":{"rendered":"

A former Premier League manager approached us here at Tales and asked that we publish his diaries, so he could show the public what life is like out of the game. His only request was that he remained anonymous. Below is this week\u2019s entry:<\/em><\/p>\n

I have a secret to tell you, reader. Nothing happened to me this week.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t like when people say they\u2019ve done nothing when really they\u2019ve been shopping or watched a television series. I just laid on the sofa, watched the odd football game and did a few chores around the house. The most exciting thing that happened was when I discovered that the milk had a later expiration date than I first thought.<\/p>\n

Luckily, a few of you have written in with questions and queries that I can answer like I did a few months ago. It\u2019s almost as if you only write in when I don\u2019t do anything. Almost as if it\u2019s a desperate attempt to fill space when I have no ideas about what to write\u2026<\/p>\n

Do you have a set meal\/routine before a match? G Hawkins<\/em><\/p>\n

I know some of these new age managers can\u2019t eat before a game because they\u2019re so absorbed in the match. To me, this is faked intensity. Don\u2019t get me wrong, I\u2019m mentally involved in the fixtures I\u2019m managing, but if I don\u2019t have a full stomach I\u2019m likely to collapse.<\/p>\n

So I stuff myself with as much food that my stomach can handle. My favourite meal to do this with is a Sunday roast. A huge slab of beef with potatoes, veg and Yorkshire puddings. But if the game is on a Saturday (you can\u2019t have a Sunday roast on a Saturday, that\u2019s sacrilege) I\u2019ll find the nearest fast food establishment and order two large meals for myself.<\/p>\n

As you may have suspected, this has often resulted in me vomiting during a game. At Charlton, I had a small drain installed under my seat in the dugout, which alleviated the \u2018disposal\u2019 problem somewhat. Sadly, I wasn\u2019t at West Ham long enough for them to install the drain. This resulted in several occasions when I pretended to take a drink out of a water bottle, only to be slyly squirting bits of KFC back into the container. Not a pleasant experience, but a necessary one.<\/p>\n

Do you allow players to have sex before a match? T Castle<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be honest, I\u2019ve never had a conversation with any player over this. I\u2019ve never done the research to find out if this has any effect on a player\u2019s performance.<\/p>\n

I won\u2019t name them here, but I had one player who routinely injured either his groin or his abdomen. It was later discovered that he was trying to launch a pornography career. He was regularly having sex with multiple partners each night of the week.<\/p>\n

I took him to one side and read him the riot act. I told him this wasn\u2019t very professional behaviour and he would have to choose the football club or his adult film career.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure if all those adult films awards he earned are worth it. H could have had a brilliant football career. He had unparalleled stamina. Although, I suppose it was his incredible stamina that earned him his \u2018Best Gangbang Scene\u2019 award.<\/p>\n

Disgusting.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the biggest animal you could defeat in a cage match with your bare hands? No tools allowed! J Hunt<\/em><\/p>\n

An interesting and violent question.<\/p>\n

Obviously, I\u2019m easily going to defeat a cat, or any small dog, such as terrier or maybe even a King Charles Cavalier. A Labrador is probably too big. By the time dogs get that big their jaws are powerful enough to cause some real damage.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to plump for a goat. I\u2019ll leave out the gruesome details, but I reckon if you seized the correct limbs and then chose your next move carefully it would be an easy battle.<\/p>\n

(I would like to point out at this point I do not plan to ever do this to an animal, this is a hypothetical posed by one of my readers. I would never hurt an innocent animal. If I ever have, it was most definitely an accident).<\/p>\n

Is there anything you have an irrational desire for? P Harrington<\/em><\/p>\n

For some reason, I have been desperate for a mortgage recently. I\u2019ve actually paid off the mortgage on the family home. But now I want another one. Not just any mortgage. An Expat Mortgage. I\u2019m not even an Expat. Maybe, if I moved abroad, I could get one? I wonder if Carol would mind\u2026<\/p>\n

Why aren\u2019t you getting a phone call when Pards, Big Sam, Moysey, and Hoddo all get jobs? Do you feel left out? D. Bassett<\/em><\/p>\n

This is a ridiculous question.<\/p>\n

Maybe I am getting phone calls, but just don\u2019t choose to write about them? Did you ever think about that, Mr. Bassett?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve turned down more Premier League jobs than most people get offered in a lifetime.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll tell you another thing for free, I\u2019d do better than all those managers put together!<\/p>\n

Pards is a creep who can only get teams to play well for three months. Big Sam plays some of the most boring football I\u2019ve ever seen. Everyone knows that Moyes is no longer human, now that his constant failure has destroyed his soul. \u2018Hoddo\u2019 as you call him, can\u2019t do anything beyond getting a mediocre team to finish mid-table. Plus his toes are smashed to pieces, a result of a later life attempt at a dancing career gone awry.<\/p>\n

Any club would want me as a manager! I play attractive football. My teams score goals. The fans get entertained. But I\u2019ve taken myself off the market. I\u2019m now helping useless managers, like the ones listed above, to get better performances out of their squads.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure, in due time, I will work with all of them. Then you\u2019ll see. You\u2019ll see their form improve tenfold. They\u2019ll shoot up the table, out of any danger, but will I get credit? No. I will silently fade into the darkness, satisfied that I know it was my influence, my expertise that saved these dreadful men their jobs and their reputation.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, they will be fired, once their chairman realises the empty football he\u2019s forced upon the club\u2019s fan base. Someone with actual talent will be hired. But once another club falls into trouble, they\u2019ll return. They feed off misery. Who will they call in their hour of need? Me.<\/p>\n

I am football\u2019s saviour.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A former Premier League manager approached us here at Tales and asked that we publish his diaries, so he could show the public what life is like out of the game. His only request was that he remained anonymous. Below is this week\u2019s entry: I have a secret to tell you, reader. Nothing happened to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":77,"featured_media":3317,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3113],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nCurbing Your Enthusiasm: More of your letters answered!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.talesfromthetopflight.com\/2017\/12\/08\/curbing-enthusiasm-letters-answered\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Curbing Your Enthusiasm: More of your letters answered!\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"A former Premier League manager approached us here at Tales and asked that we publish his diaries, so he could show the public what life is like out of the game. 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