Beck-i-leaks

Opinion

As far a computer based scandals go it was towards the mild side.

David Beckham had 18 million emails stolen from his computer and all we found out was that he’d quite like a knighthood. No candid snaps of Golden Balls’ Golden Balls, no illicit details of criminal activity and no secret recordings of Victoria’s unreleased 4th solo album… thank god.

If you went through 18million of MY emails you’d probably find something more juicy than that. After you’d deleted all the offers of penis enlargement pills and Linkedin notifications that is.

So the story goes like this. A dark shadowy computer based organisation hack into David Beckham’s emails and then try and extort money out of the ex-England footballer to keep them secret. Beck’s refuses to cough up and the emails are released to the world with underwhelming if not hilarious results.

Here’s the thing. I am in no way shocked that the emails contained very little in regards to “dirt”. Beckham knows better than that. He has made a career from saying nothing. In a world of over-blown statements and twitter outrage he is a beacon on beige. Giving endless interviews and appearing at countless press shoots but expertly steering HMS Becks away from any potential controversy icebergs. He has made a career out of it* so he wasn’t about to slip up now.

As I said, the juiciest thing to come out of the “Beckileaks” scandal, or David’s BeckSPAM as I’m choosing to call it, was his endless desire to bag himself a knighthood.

From the countless messages stolen, the topic that garnered the most tabloid attention was a couple of emails that suggested our Dave felt his thankless charity work was well deserving of him getting the nod as Sir David Beckham.

In one email he apparently called the honours committee who make such decisions: “A bunch of unappreciative c****… uses it’s a knighthood f*** off”. Whilst also referring to fellow OBE holder Katherine Jenkins saying: “Katherine Jenkins gets an OBE for what? Singing at the rugby and going to see the troops. F***ing Joke” which in my view deserves a knighthood alone.

The expose has resulted in a predictable slagging by the tabloid press with bastion of all that is right and decent, Piers Morgan calling him “Fraud”. I disagree. If Beckham wants a knighthood then why not give him one? Whatever his motivation, here is a man who gives a lot of his own personal time and money to good causes. He’s hosted charity football matches, he’s a goodwill ambassador for Unicef and he’s appeared in more comic relief sketches alongside Lenny Henry than is really healthy for anyone to do so. That’s a darned sight more that I’ve done for good causes. Just putting 20p in a charity box often leaves me with a smug feeling of self-satisfaction and I think he trumps me on the charity stakes. Although, I usually stop short of demanding a place on the New Year’s honours list.

This country has a proud tradition of building people up before trying to knock them down. Let’s not do that to Beckham. To kick him in the same way that he kicked Diego Someone back in 1998 would have no positive results. Do we want him to stop doing his good deeds in the hope of one day becoming Sir D and Lady V? So what if he’s a bit whiney when it comes to getting on the honours list? He’s considerably more deserving than some of the famous faces who have knelt for the queen in the past (Jimmy Saville anyone?).

If he wasn’t a Knighthood for doing some good stuff in the world then just give him a bloody Knighthood. It could only encourage more people to do good stuff even if it is just in exchange for a fancy title. Shouldn’t the country’s knights be defenders of the realm anyway? Ready to leap onto a white horse and do battle with fire breathing monsters at a moment’s notice? In that case I’d rather have David Beckham on horseback, sarong flapping in the wind chopping the head off a dragon, than the likes of Salman Rushdie and Michael Gambon. Even if that dragon is Katherine Jenkins.

Arise Sir Beckham.

*He has also made a career out of marrying a pop star, kicking the ball in a bendy way and having a haircut. Fair play.

Jim hosts weekly satirical football show podcast “On The Left Side: the Alternative Football Show”.

Check out this week’s episode below!