The Magnificent 7: Oscar, Cristiano Ronaldo & A Psychic Polar Bear

The Magnificent 7

Well, it’s that time of the week again. 7 days in the footballing world and 7 names who have been truly magnificent this week…or maybe not magnificent…definitely not magnificent.

7. Oscar

Despite earning way too much money in China, it can be incredibly hard to stay relevant week to week. However, former Chelsea man Oscar has found a brilliant new way to stay in the spotlight…by sparking a 50 man brawl that will, without a doubt, go viral.

Clearly agitated, the Brazilian blasted the ball at two Guangzhou R&F players after a rough challenge on one of his Shanghai SIPG teammates. He was immediately dumped to the floor, and when I say dumped I mean lightly pushed, before being trampled on like a fallen matador at the Running of the Bull in Pamplona.

Despite the ‘savage’ beating, the Chinese Super League was trending on Twitter this morning, so congratulations to Oscar for achieving relevance once again.

6. Hulk

Hulk was involved in the very same incident and he comes into the firing line for an act of cowardice deserving of a footballing court martial.

You’d think being a teammate of Oscar at both domestic and international level, as well as being one of the biggest men in football, and simply having the name Hulk, you’d see him at the centre of the melee, weapon in hand, fighting for his life.

However, you’d be wrong. In fact, he stood on the outside for most of it watching it unfold.


5. Antonio Conte

So, imagine you’ve just won the Premier League. Imagine you are being hailed as the best coach in the league. Imagine you are loved by all at your club.

Well, welcome to the life of Antonio Conte. Somehow despite all this, he was reportedly unhappy last week and wanted to leave because Roman Abramovich won’t get his cheque book out. I was always of the belief that the Russian never put it away but it would appear the wannabe Bond villain does, in fact, sometimes have it burning a hole in his pocket.

As for Conte, it seems he will remain at Chelsea, and just like that, his childlike strop is over, having now got up from laying on the floor in the supermarket and kicking his feet up and down.  Let’s be honest, we’ve all done it, admittedly, over a packet of sweets rather than a £50 million Kalidou Koulibaly or £40m Tiemoue Bakayoko, but surely we can relate, right?

4. Whoever the video referee was in the Chile v Cameroon game

Video referee’s, or VAR’s, have been hailed as the saviour of football. But, imagine if one stopped a game for a whole entire minute, only to decide that the appealed decision would stand, with the game not even restarting before half-time.

Well, that’s exactly what happened during Chile’s 2-0 win over Cameroon at the Confederations Cup.

Eduardo Vargas scored for the South American’s just before the interval, but it was disallowed for offside, only to be appealed and still disallowed after a lengthy delay, only for the players to be immediately frog marched down the tunnel like a bunch of naughty school kids.

Some have argued that Vargas was in line, some have argued he was just offside, no one really knows. Rules state a decision can only be overturned if it was ‘clearly wrong’ but surely this contradicts the notion of giving an attacker the benefit of the doubt.

Questions to answer for the morally sound governing body FIFA I suppose.

3. Gianluigi Donnarumma

The young Italian joined an illustrious list last week that includes Fabian Delph, Raheem Sterling, and Carlos Tevez.

Congratulations on becoming a sell-out Gianluigi!

The AC Milan goalkeeper has turned down an £80k-a-week deal and now looks set to leave the San Siro, despite claiming not that long ago that he wanted to become Milan captain one day.

His agent Mino ‘Mega Bucks’ Raiola pretty much confirmed his client to be a sell-out by saying ‘It’s not about the money’. We’ve heard that one before.

It would appear that it is also the general consensus, with Italian fans throwing fake money at Donnarumma during Itay’s 2-0 win over Denmark at the Under 21 Euro’s.

He’s now even been nicknamed Dollarumma.

Safe to say he’s had an absolute mare this week, all self-inflicted of course.

2. Psychic Animals

Let’s be honest, Paul The Octopus, the original football prediction animal psychic was fun.

But, seven years down the line, we’ve had a Koala, Elephant and Sea Lion. It’s all getting a bit boring, isn’t it?

And then, out of nowhere comes a psychic flaming polar bear!

Nika, a rescued polar bear from Moscow Zoo has been ‘accurately’ predicting results for both the Confederations Cup and next year’s FIFA World Cup. Two for the price of one! Score…

Quite frankly, I’ve had enough off this craze. We all know it’s some bloke in the Zoo office who makes the predictions, with more food being put in the bowl of the team he chooses.

I might sound cynical but I think I’m more of a realist. If I stuck two bowls of chips in front of you with a hell of a lot more in one than the other, I know which one you’d go for.

And to prove my point that it’s all a load of rubbish, Nika predicted Mexico to beat Portugal on Sunday.

Well, this is a bit awkward.

Some reports have stated that Joey Barton actually took betting tips from the Polar Bear. Although realistic, they cannot be confirmed.

1. Cristiano Ronaldo

Clearly not content with trying to outdo Lionel Messi on the football pitch, Cristiano Ronaldo appears to be trying to outdo his rival off it and has got himself in a spot of bother because of it.

It’s alleged that Ronaldo has dodged tax payments of around $15 million and the Spanish authorities are not happy, understandably.

However, Ronaldo has thrown his toys out the pram and wants out of Real Madrid, as he feels the treatment he is receiving is unfair!

I’m sorry, but if someone had pinched that much off me, they’d be receiving worse treatment than Ronaldo is getting.

It’s almost as if he thinks he hasn’t committed a crime. Well, news flash Cristiano, you bloody well have.

I was told as a young boy that running away from your problems was never the answer, whether that applies for $15 million in dodged tax I don’t know, but he really has thrown an all mighty strop, hasn’t he?

It’s been suggested that it could be a PR stunt to get him more money. Well if that’s how it works, I’ll have handed in my notice by the time you’ve finished reading this.

Maybe just wink at them Cristiano and you might get away with it. It’s worked for him in the past.

Oh well, at least it’s more money than Messi hid away.