Well, would you look at that. Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t going to Manchester United after all as he has agreed to pay the taxman. We say “he”, but of course there is every chance that Real Madrid will be, er, helping him out with a loan that he might not have to pay back. What’s that Cristiano? You’d like a new contract as well? Sure, sign here. Ronaldo7 Manchester United shirts are likely to be 75% off on eBay tonight after all.

Jose Mourinho probably isn’t that bothered, as newspapers all over the world are still linking him to many players and I am more than happy to play along. Step forward Anderson Talisca of, hang on let me check, ah yes Benfica. Having already oiled the transfer wheels by signing Victor Lindelof, Mou is heading back to the Portuguese giants as he has learned there is someone else there that might be quite good. Of course, United have an excellent pedigree of players called Anderson. There’s Viv Anderson and, hmmm, Anderson. Oh well, 50/50 chance I suppose.

It has been a busy old day for Ed Woodward if you believe anything at all. Robert Lewandowski is supposedly done at Bayern Munich (or wants a new super deal) and has contacted Manchester United about a move, despite preferring Chelsea. That United strikeforce of Ronaldo, Alvaro Morata, Romelu Lukaku, Ivan Perisic, Anthony Martial, Marcus Rashford, Robert Lewandowski and Ashley Young is going to take some stopping next season.

Manchester United have also been cleared of any wrongdoing by FIFA around the Paul Pogba deal. I know, being cleared of wrongdoing by FIFA is a little bit like Theresa May congratulating the emergency services, isn’t it? Massively hypocritical seeing that they are the cause of most the mess we are hearing about. Oh wait, that actually happened. Anyway, FIFA didn’t say that the only wrongdoing in the Pogba deal was the stupid amount of money they paid for him, mainly because the time this summer’s silly season is over that deal will look like a bargain considering some of the crap that is likely to go for £60m plus.

Barcelona still want Arsenal’s Hector Bellerin. In other news, the ball is still round. Arsenal have denied that Bellerin is leaving the club, meaning that Bellerin is more than likely leaving the club. Still, at least Arsenal have a lovely new kit to wear next season and their PR department hasn’t been laughed at all day.

Football Manager wonderkid of 2015 or so, Will Hughes, is finally thought to have been noticed kicking a ball around in Derby County’s first team by Watford who, ironically, are quite heavily linked to Football Manager. £8m or so is thought to be the deal, though Hughes’ agent is likely to ask for a crazy fee, demand that the defence is strengthened and have a non-negotiable relegation release clause.

Finally, Tammy Abraham decided that the choice between living in Newcastle or Swansea for a year was a bit like choosing which hand he should chop off first so chose his new loan venture by playing eeny-meeny-minie-moe. Abraham is expected to sign for Swansea City for a year this week.