It’s the final day and the final Pan The Pundits of the season so hit that sad music. Gary joined us for one final swansong to one of the most cut and dry seasons in Premier League history. The only thing yet to be decided was the top four, rendering seven of the ten games about as relevant as a Southampton game after February. He was joined by Alan Shearer and Ian Wright to both frustrate and delight in equal measure.
We started at the Emirates where Arsenal were on the outside of the top four for the first time since Jesus was folding towels in a cave. They hosted Everton who were seventh and going nowhere. Their big news was that angry Ronald Koeman had left out Ross Barkley because young Ross figured out Everton aren’t actually that big a club these days. Poor Ron is still desperately clinging to the idea they’re bigger than Southampton though, bless his cotton socks. Or they could be nylon. I don’t know.
Were Everton on holiday? Case in point – Arsenal’s second goal saw the Everton defenders not even bothered to wander back into position to stop Sanchez scoring. At least Aaron Ramsey scored a goal to anger Arsenal fans even more. Bonus points to Laurent Koscielny for the Sunday League special on Enner Valencia. Whopper challenge.
No time to rest though, as we were sent to the finale of Magic Voice Mazzarri at the United Nations who opted to field just the 63 nationalities. They were hosting the not-that-great Pep Guardiola and Manchester City who were finishing the season strongly with this revolutionary centre back usage.
Oh dear. You want to talk about a team not trying then look no further. Never since a 1980s stag do to Benidorm have so many men in yellow shirts stumbled about cluelessly. Even Fernandinho was having fun, playing as a right winger, more effectively than Raheem Sterling has been anyway. The only blotch, those under Pep’s arms when he took his jumper off. Bye Magic Voice.
Woah, calm down BBC. We don’t even get a Gary handover as we’re thrown right into the game at Anfield. Liverpool were hosting the already relegated Middlesbrough who are crap and boring and deserve to go down. I can’t say anything good about them. I’m sorry Boro fans. Enjoy the Championship.
To the American who told me on Twitter that Brad Guzan hasn’t been that bad in his decade on English shores – you may want to watch him play some more. Never has a goalkeeper been so hopelessly incompetent. Wijnaldum beat him at his near post like it was a tap in and Coutinho beat him with maybe the tamest free kick in history. Liverpool are back in the Champions League thanks to that, while Boro are off to the Championship with very little positives to take with them.
And now, the rest of this show was pointless. What I really wanted was a Football League Show goal montage where it meant little but we got to see pretty goals and stuff. Oh, here comes the pretty goals with Goal of the Season.
You know what, I’m just going to write this like a pointless montage. Has somebody got a stopwatch so we can see how quick we can get through this? What’s the over/under on time? Joey? That joke’s dead.
It was the Terminators against the relegated Party Bus where everyone is in a party mood as Chelsea were champions and Sunderland were finally getting relegated. Hilariously, Sunderland led for about five minutes. Then Chelsea won. Yawn. The big talking point was the most theatrical substitution since Jerzy Dudek was taken off that one time at Real Madrid. Nothing like celebrating a racist adulterer that became the laziest meme in football Twitter history. John Terry, we salute you.
My second favourite team Hull were next, with the Foreign Guy in charge for probably the last time as they hosted Spurs. I’m going to miss Hull of the last four months or so. They were great. Sadly, this was the Hull of the first six months of the season and they got demolished. This was uncomfortable, like watching a bad comedian or Michael McIntyre. Harry Kane finished top scorer in the Premier League again, making the signing of Vincent Janssen even more confusing.
To Old Trafford next where Mourinho looked at players younger than 25 for possibly the first time ever. Big Sam’s pints of wine kept Palace in the Premier League meaning he has his precious record intact. Josh Harrop became the next Pele after scoring on his United debut, while Paul Pogba justified all of his world record transfer fee by scoring in a meaningless game at the end of the season. Only one of those is true. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which one it is.
Shall we call the show Match of the Meme? They showed Jose’s non-existent press conference for laughs. That’s plenty.
We travelled with The Wall to Swansea as the games began to get even more pointless. Swansea apparently went to Ibiza to celebrate staying up. No confirmation if Jamie Vardy and his skittle vodka were there too. Also of note in commentary, Tactics Tony is off to China to meet the owners. That’s something I want to see. Anyway, Salomon Rondon is still a donkey and Swansea won because he couldn’t finish the tutorial level on Brain Training on the Nintendo DS.
No rest for the wicked either as we went straight to Turf Moor to see Onyx’s Burnley take on the consistently irrational West Ham. Sometimes they like to win, other times they give up and get battered. Algeria’s Steve Stone popped up with a goal but this one was always going to be a draw. So, naturally, West Ham won. Moving on.
Speaking of moving on, Leicester hosted Bournemouth as they were no longer Champions and Bournemouth were looking to finish in the top ten. It was a draw. Jamie Vardy was angry about something. Can we get more pointless?
WE CAN! Southampton hosted Stoke in the single most pointless game in the history of football. Stoke won, Peter Crouch is still the best striker in the world and Saido Berahino still hasn’t scored. Southampton? Who cares?
Thankfully, the Goal of the Season competition gave us the right answer of Emre Can.
How do we round up this season of Pan The Pundits? Underwhelmingly, much like Match of the Day.