Who doesn’t love midweek Premier League action? It’s like an extra slice of cheese in your cheeseburger, more fish bits in your fish and chips, or even a second pint of wine to go with that Ramen sticking out of your mouth. Anyway, let’s move on to matters on the pitch and have a look-see at how your teams fared.
The Good
British Is Best: Four score and seven years ago, Everton decided to get rid of their fancy foreign manager and began the search for a candidate who could pluck them out of the deep doo-doo Ronald Koeman left them in. After several attempts to recruit the best talent, which only resulted in getting laughed out of the room or being hung up on, Everton decided to stick to the tried and tested formula of reaching into the scrapheap of discarded Premier League coaches. Enter Sam Allardyce, who can now champion the cause of young British coaches from his cosy office in Finch Farm. Not to be left behind, West Brom also dug into the same scrapheap and pulled out one Alan Pardew, resulting in the DancingPardew.gif flooding the Internet once more and coaches all over the country throwing up their hands in exasperation.
Everton: The mere sight of Sam in the stands was enough to light a fire under the collective arses of the Everton squad and they used this newfound motivation to out-tactic an utterly inept West Ham side.
David Unsworth: Presumably, this was his parting speech at the end of his final match in charge – “Screw you guys, I’m going home. Never fancied being a manager anyway.”
Wayne Rooney: If you missed it, last week I compared Rooney to a dash ornament that does nothing other than remind you of the good times. As if to make me look like an idiot, Wayne went on a rampage and scored three goals, one of which is a contender for goal of the season. Thanks a lot, Wayne.
Arsenal: No one quite manages to raise expectations before the inevitable trip-up like Arsenal do. They occupy their traditional fourth spot in the table, well within reach of second place. Let’s see how they react to the pressure of getting there.
Leicester City: The Foxes upended Spurs’ title challenge by putting on a display reminiscent of their own title winning season and thus, put an end to the power shift narrative once and for all.
Ashley Young: The last time Young made the headlines was when a flying feathered fiend used his mouth as a porta-potty. Two goals against Watford were enough to wash that taste off his mouth and leave him smiling.
Raheem Sterling: It’s his Aguerooooooo moment. No doubt, he’d have gone home and bought another house for his mum or bought a pack of crisps at a cheap grocery store to celebrate. The nerve!
Riyad Mahrez: Showed impeccable timing to position himself in the shop window for the January sales.
Nathan Redmond: We’ll never know for sure what was said unless Redmond himself volunteers, but don’t be shocked if Redmond goes on a scoring streak after that earful of “motivation” from the Pepmeister himself.
Mohamed Salah: Here’s an entirely original and not-at-all done to death “joke” – If the Egyptian Messi can do it on a wet Wednesday night in Stoke, I’m pretty sure the real one can too. Groan.
The Bad
West Ham United: On the receiving end of yet another hammering, this time at the hands of Moyes’ old boys. Speaking of whom…
David Moyes: The Scot seems to have developed a taste for drinking from poisoned chalices. It’s a pretty easy thing to do when you know there are always people out there who would be ready to revive a career that should have died long ago. Fresh from dumping Sunderland into the Championship, David is doing all the right things to ensure a reunion with his old club next season. That is, of course, if he doesn’t jump ship when West Ham finally sink without a trace.
Joe Hart: England’s number one goalkeeper conceded a penalty, then saved the resulting effort but laid it on a plate for Rooney to finish off. He then strayed so far off his line after a woeful clearance that he might as well have been chatting with Pickford in Everton’s goal.
Tottenham Hotspur: If they can’t even apply pressure now, what good are they?
Stoke City: They might have gone under the radar due to the upheaval at the clubs around them, but Stoke City are slipping and sliding straight towards the relegation dogfight. If the two teams below them cash in their “New Manager Bounce” cheques, Hughes’ side could end up in the bottom three as early as this weekend.
West Brom: They just can’t stop scoring now. The Baggies seem to be enjoying the post-Pulis era so much that they even went ahead and scored a goal for their opponents. The key is knowing when to stop, lads.
Huddersfield: Finally started producing the kind of results we all expected when they came up from the Championship.
Renato Sanches: The highly-rated youngster, acquired on loan from Bayern Munich, played as if he was controlled by a 10-year old on a PlayStation. And the 10-year old was hopped up on sugar.
Martin Atkinson and Friends: Mark Hughes has added Atkinson and his team to the list of people he won’t be sending Christmas cards to, or shaking hands with.
The Ugly
Palace Fans: Brainwashed into believing the hype of a make-believe derby match, Palace fans decided to bring the atmosphere from actual 80s rivalries to Brighton’s home. When you force something, you tend to overdo it. And that is exactly what happened here. Overenthusiastic Eagles supporters went overboard in their intimidation tactics, firing flares inside the stadium and fighting with stewards outside of it. It would be cruel if someone at the FA decides to get off their arse and dock Palace a couple of points for the trouble caused by their fans. Cruel but hilarious.