No Trisha, Only Ron

Last week: the Mega Powers exploded in a beautiful end to the story.

This week: we get the really awkward continuation of the story. Fortunately for those scarred by the actual Mega Powers implosion in 1989, Big Ron hasn’t made a film the calibre of No Holds Barred and the angry man has not enlisted the help of Zeus to fail to kill Ronamania… BROTHER!

We open with a nice little preview as always and it seems Sky have realised they need to go on a Ron charm offensive. Much like Hulk Hogan in 1994, they can feel the tide turning with the audience so expect lots of ‘he’s great’ comments.

We see the angry man’s resignation last time out where he hopped into his disappointing Peugeot to end his disappointing reign. No wonder he has a temper issue.

It’s time to whizz into action. Ron is in the back of his Merc again and off to salvage some sort of normality at Peterborough. Because, you know, this entire deal has been normal. We see Basil speaking to the press like only a cartoon fox can.

HOLY BALLS! The angry man went on the radio in the meantime to give his account and he thinks he did well. “I should have been bloody manager of the month”. Can someone check that man for a head trauma please?

Aw yeah, here comes the cowboy. Ron’s in charge of training as we get a montage of him undermining the angry manager of the month while trying not to undermine the angry manager of the month. So, this should just be a standard training session then. Good these cowboy montages are good, compounded by Ron noting his jacket is heavy because there’s a golf ball in the pocket. Because of course there f**king is.

The inspirational cowboy makes Magic Danny Crow his first target, making him move some poles like a petulantly untalented donkey. Some may scoff at this but what Ron was actually doing was teaching him all about movement in the box with this task. OK, I’m lying, he’s just making sure he isn’t going to be a lazy cu… [editor’s note: we had to cut out the rest of this paragraph as it was laced with horrendous profanity]

Anyway, it should be law to have training scenes in any show have cowboy music dubbed over the top. That was fun.

Back to serious matters with the angry man back to get paid off. Nothing much of note to say here, it’s a serious meeting for Christ’s sake. Although Basil’s knowledge of which country’s have armies is a bit sketchy. I’m a Scot and I can guarantee we don’t have an army for just us. There’s a reason it’s called the British Army.

It’s time for the sit down we all wanted with Steve. Thankfully, Sky were able to beat Trisha to this interview so we can see it. Unsurprisingly, he was uneasy about someone else picking the team and with Ron undermining him. Bit of a disappointment. Kind of like the angry man’s managerial reign.

Game day one is the penultimate game of the season against Leyton Orient who it turns out are quite good. Basil informs the boys to stay on the bus if they think they’re going to lose. Surprisingly, everyone gets off. The lying bastards. They go on to lose 2-1.

Ron doesn’t care though because he has his eyes on the big one. IT’S TIME FOR GOLF! There’s an army man who’s trying to be funny and David Seaman but it’s the happiest Ron’s been this entire series. Idea – Big Ron Golfer. Anyway, they sell some stuff to some people with money and everyone’s pleased.

More training with Ron looking at set pieces. Turns out you can play them short or into the box. Revolutionary.

Final game of the season time. Posh need to win to get any kind of play-off. They won’t. They’re s**t. They lose 2-0 and we get a pitch invasion and plenty of hate for Basil.

And that was it. The final whistle to steal Jeff’s line. Apparently, Ron exposed major problems at the club. I think anyone with eyes could see they had no cash, no quality and a crap manager. Anyway, everyone gushes about how great it was and we fade to black.

So, how did he really get on? S**t. What an utter waste of time that show was. The problem now is that I’ve run out of things to write about for this series so I’m completely f**ked.

Series 2?