‘It doesn’t get better than this’, I thought to myself as I confirmed my fantasy team for the midweek Premier League clashes. No more international breaks for months – just a healthy dose of top-flight action until the New Year. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that the start of the Christmas season brings with it many instances of DROPPING GREAT PLAYERS WITHOUT GIVING ANY INDICATION THAT YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT. I’m looking at you, Pep. And you, Jurgen. Fantasy football is hard enough without having to second-guess off-the-cuff managerial decisions like dropping Salah or David Silva to the bench; at least make an announcement to stop me from captaining them and deflating my once excited, now wilting temperament.
As I write this, angrily typing as the second halves kick off on a Wednesday night, my beloved captain and scorer of many goals, Mohamed Salah, is warming what must be very cold bench at the Bet365 Stadium. Meanwhile, David Silva is warming a slightly new, slightly more expensive bench at the Etihad. My fortunes for tonight were dependent upon the skill and ability of these two men, and now I’m at that point where I’m wondering if I even want them to come on and CAN ARSENAL JUST STOP SCORING I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NONE OF YOU IN MY SIDE WHY ARE YOU SO INCONSISTENT. Apologies. At least you can follow my emotions of the night as they happen, in what is yet another iconic breaking of the fourth wall. Oh nice, Arsenal have got 3 in 5 minutes – I’m not entirely unconvinced that a mystic voodoo hasn’t lead to a change in fortunes in North London (very sorry for the triple negative, it just happened, honest).
Oh great, De Bruyne’s now been given the City goal apparently. Great news. Lets just call it now, can’t see it getting any better for me. I got excited when I saw ‘Penalty Save’ at Goodison, as I had a 50% chance of it being Joe Hart, alas nay – why did I expect anything more than ‘Jordan Pickford guesses correctly’? Goal for Bournemouth as well, goodbye Ben Mee clean sheet. It really does get worse with every update, just give me one speck of good news. Please.
SALAH IS ON, EVERYONE. SALAH IS ON. 25 MINUTES TO GET ME OUT OF JAIL.
Update: I’ve just realised that Joe Hart saved a penalty earlier, ‘mon mal’, as they say across the channel. Still no news of a Salah goal, but I live in hope. 5 Minutes left for Morata to give me some sweet, sweet points but I’m somehow doubting he will. This really isn’t entertaining at all is it – reading someone else live-feed their misfortunes, except it’s not a live feed for you, its all happening days after the event. This will join the ever-growing category of “things never to attempt again”, I promise.
IT’S HAPPENED! THE STARS HAVE ALIGNED. SALAH, I NEVER DOUBTED YOU FOR A SECOND! JURGEN, YOU’RE A TACTICAL GENIUS!
Oh stop it. He’s only gone and got another. You know what, this is why I love this game. Oh nice, a Sterling goal in that last minute as well, that’ll do nicely. Right, that is it: the end of the night and the end of a terrible idea. No Delia-Smith-Van-Wolfswinkels tonight, just excessive capitalisation.