Tales Top Tips: The narrative demands Tammy to be the match winner as Chelsea search for a tall, English striker

Tales Top Tips

Hey, there. Now, you’re not actually here to get proper betting tips I hope. Well, there is probably as much chance of me giving you losers as those folk who charge for their tips so crack on. And hopefully you might get a couple of giggles whilst losing your home to the bookie.

Anyway, let’s see what the Premier League has in store for us all this weekend.

Brighton & Hove Albion vs Chelsea

You see, I am a little confused. The striker position for Chelsea has historically been a little bit cursed. World-class players (and Chris Sutton) come into the number nine shirt and go from being rather very good to complete bobbins overnight. Yet, the one thing Alvaro Morata is good at is scoring with his head. It’s his feet that are the problem. So I have no real idea why Chelsea have been whispering sweet nothings to Andy Carroll, only to see him twist his ankle when he fell over due to the shock of Chelsea wanting him. With Carroll out, where do they go? Peter Crouch, obviously. Stoke City clear think it’s a wind-up so they quoted the Blues ¬£15m for him. Maybe they’ve seen enough world-class strikers fail so are going for a very much non-world-class player, though I thought they’d tried that with Michy. Imagine Batshuayi right now. Nothing says it’s time to leave like your boss trying to sign a 38-year-old Peter Crouch. Anyway, the game against Brighton. Chelsea to win, Brighton to slip further down the table.

Brighton & Hove Albion 0 – 1 Chelsea

Arsenal vs Crystal Palace

Arsenal are breathing a huge sigh of relief as Chelsea’s shenanigans¬†takes the spotlight off them briefly. “48 hours” is becoming a week for the Alexis deal to get done even if Arsene is still saying “it’s likely to go through”. Do many Arsenal fans still believe Arsene when he is feeling confident? If, and it is a big if, Arsenal end the window with Aubameyang and Mhki replacing Alexis and Theo then yes, on paper it is an upgrade but yet again all they will have done is made the front garden look nice and pretty whilst the bad guys keep breaking in through the backdoor which still doesn’t have a lock on it. Palace are, as we keep getting told, on a good run and Roy Hodgson is Croydon’s version of Christ right now – he has risen once more (and got a draw off City). I can see Palace getting a point here.

Arsenal 1 – 1 Crystal Palace

Burnley vs Manchester United

A little while ago, Jose Mourinho had a pop at Manchester City for paying “striker” fees for fullbacks. Well, only one thing is worse than that. It’s buying strikers and turning them into fullbacks and I am sure Jose has mentioned to Alexis that he will spend at least 80% of his time doubling up with either Valencia or Young. Burnley’s golden run has come to a shuddering half recently and the game at Turf Moor is unlikely to be one for the purists to enjoy. Another Premier League draw I believe.

Burnley 1 – 1 Manchester United

Everton vs West Bromwich Albion

Where Sam Allardyce wants Everton to become even more boring, you just know that Alan Pardew is fuming that his team won their first match doing it the Pulis way – by virtue of two headers from corners. In Theo Walcott, Everton now have someone they can smash the ball into the corner for now knowing someone might be quick enough to get to it. With Wayne Rooney there as well, if Sam can tempt Michael Owen and Joe Cole out retirement he could get the full set of former English wonderkids that were going to be better than Pele.

Everton 2 – 0 West Bromwich Albion

Leicester City vs Watford

Both sides progressed in the FA Cup during the week and Leicester’s Adrien Silva is still recovering from the introduction to the English game that Fleetwood dished out. Watford are now falling into that totally unpredictable category whereas Leicester will end up a solid midtable. Do we really care? Probably not.

Leicester City 1 – 1 Watford

Stoke City vs Huddersfield Town

He’s back! He’s back! Stoke City took leave of their senses and recruited yet another Champions League winner to the club in new manager Paul Lambert. Quite how Paul Lambert’s star has faded so drastically does feel a little harsh. He was great at Norwich City and he’s not the only guy to make a complete dog’s dinner of Aston Villa. You’d assume that Stoke will instantly become more organised and defensive. You’d also assume Huddersfield will run around one hell of a lot more than Stoke will, so I’m giving this one to the Terriers.

Stoke City 0 – 1 Huddersfield Town

West Ham United vs AFC Bournemouth

As we said, Andy Carroll hurt his ankle falling off the pedestal Antonio Conte seemed to have placed him on but West Ham are used to life without AC. Bournemouth are suddenly back in form but it would be very, very Bournemouth to beat Arsenal and lose to the Hammers.

West Ham United 3 – 0 AFC Bournemouth

Manchester City vs Newcastle United

Now, now Mike. It was all a ruse, wasn’t it? “Look people of Newcastle, I tried to do the right thing. I tried to sell. But nobody would offer me a fair price and if they wouldn’t do that, how could I trust them to look after your football club properly?” And in the meantime, all Rafa’s transfer targets end up going elsewhere and Benitez has to find a way of keeping a Championship XI out of the Championship next season. Manchester City will be itching for this game to kick off so they can get Anfield out of their system. It could get messy.

Manchester City 6 – 1 Newcastle United

Southampton vs Tottenham Hotspur

I feel for Mauricio Pellegrino, I really do. He’s not a bad manager and he seems like a very decent man. However, results are not great if you grade him against what Southampton believe they should be doing rather than what Southampton probably should be doing. Southampton have, if you have read the Football Code, regressed to mean which means in slightly less clever terms, they are at best a midtable Premier League side so get over yourselves. Tottenham to win, Kane to score as ever.

Southampton 0 – 2 Tottenham Hotspur

Swansea City vs Liverpool

All common sense says Liverpool should win this at a canter. However, this weekend needs a shock result and maybe, just maybe it comes down at the Liberty Stadium. In a world where Chelsea would rather buy either an injury prone tall striker or an old tall striker, Tammy Abraham must be wondering what his career looks like moving forwards. The narrative demands you are the match winner here Tammy, it absolutely demands it.

Swansea City 2 – 1 Liverpool