A Brumour is a breaking transfer rumour and January is like Christmas for those that like a Brumour…

Andy Carroll didn’t just pick up a little knock when he fell out of his chair reading about how he was off to Chelsea, oh no. In true Andy Carroll style, he required foot surgery that will rule him out for, wait for it, three months. Three! Seriously, a broken toenail keeps AC out for a month. Chelsea will no doubt honour Carroll and West Ham in the same way they honoured Everton and Ross Barkley and wait until the summer before bringing him in. Or, they might just sign Eden Dzeko from AS Roma instead.

If Dzeko doesn’t work out, Antonio will revert to his list of strikers that are taller than 6ft and make a bid for the next one, and the next one and the next one until he finally ends up with someone he can pick instead of Michy. Next on the list is Celtic’s Moussa Dembele who is also interesting Crystal Palace who are just about giving up on Christian Benteke ever being their modern day Mark Bright. If Dembele doesn’t fancy Chelsea then there is every chance Islam Slimani would walk to Stamford Bridge for a game considering how unhappy he is to be behind Shinji Okazaki in Leicester City’s pecking order.

West Ham, who must be used to their players always being injured by now, have also lost Manuel Lanzini with a ruptured hamstring meaning that their one and only creative talent is Marko Arnautovic and everyone is still trying to work out if he was reverted to type by becoming really, really good or he is about to revert to type by becoming really, really bad. David Moyes cannot gamble on it being the former so is hoping to persuade Inter to let him borrow João Mário for a few months. West Ham, as we all know, have great form for these types of signings going perfectly for them.

Buying strikers from the Eredivisie is a risky business. For every Robin van Persie or Ruud van Nistelrooy, there are many Afonso Alves’ and Matej Kezmans. Maybe the trick is that they need to have “van” in their name? Feyenoord’s Nicolai Jorgensen falls foul of that rule and he has only scored a mere seven goals this season, all of which means he is on Newcastle United’s radar. Jorgensen should cost £20m which massively reduces the chances of him playing football for Newcastle United. A deal that has been done by Newcastle in the January transfer window (yes, celebrate it loud) is that of Chelsea’s bad boy Kenedy who is being sent to Newcastle as punishment for having excessive tattoos and not being the next Neymar after all.

Long-term Manchester United target Lucas Moura has decided to retire from football very young and leave PSG to become a player in China. Tottenham Hotspur, Arsenal and Napoli are doing their best to persuade him that would be a very silly move indeed. Javier Mascherano, ex-Liverpool of course, has no such worries as he is the perfect age to retire from football, so expect his move to Hebei China Fortune to be announced very soon. No doubt there is a Premier League club lurking in the background somewhere trying to get him.

Here’s a random one for you. Arsenal’s Danny Welbeck to Besiktas? Well, he’d have a better chance of playing Champions League football I suppose. I’m not so sure he’d be up for sacrificing a goat though. Arsene Wenger is thought to still be interested in Jonny Evans because, frankly, he can’t be any worse than his current mob at defending. Alan Pardew will then go and waste whatever money he raises from that sale on Benik Afobe of Bournemouth. Brighton have scored fewer goals than West Bromwich Albion this season and, crazily, seem to think that Newcastle’s Aleksandar Mitrovic might help change that. Let’s not look at the fact he can’t score for Newcastle because facts kill Brumours.

Manchester United appear to be changing their transfer strategy. Rather than just buy whomever their super agents tell them to buy, they are taking to monitoring the transfer activity of Manchester City and then throwing more money at their targets than Pep really wants to. Well, it worked for City to do the same to Liverpool and Arsenal I suppose, but United are once again showing they are a little behind the times. Manchester City have been linked to Athletic Bilbao’s central defender Aymeric Laporte and so have, surprise surprise, United. City want Shakhtar Donetsk midfielder Fred and funnily enough, United are sniffing around as well. Pep likes Nice’s Jean Michaël Seri, so naturally, Jose is on the case.

Aaron Lennon has taken one look at Theo Walcott turning up for £20m and thought, “yeah I’ll take the hint” and legged it at pace to Turf Moor where Sean Dyche welcomed him with open arms, a gravelly “hello” and a guarantee that he’ll get to run aimlessly down the right flank every single week.