It’s FA Cup time again and a lot of teams from the top flight were involved. On any other day, I would have seen this as an unnecessary disruption, but the events of this round made it necessary to point and ROFL (like the cool kids do). Here’s what we’re talking about.
Manchester United: Mighty Yeovil succumbed to the plucky underdogs from Manchester, giving up four goals and bowing out in one of the shocks of the round. Guess paranoia does trump perseverance, after all.
Alexis Sanchez: One Man Of The Match performance later, they’ve already started work on building his statue outside Old Trafford.
Leicester City: Claude Puel wants to go to Wembley again, having enjoyed very much the sight of a large metal structure high above the skyline. Reminds him of home, some say.
Diabate and Iheanacho: Leicester’s four-goal forwards settled the tedious debate about Puel not taking the Cup seriously.
Chelsea: The perennial crisis club dispatched the perennial basketcase club with ease.
Michy Batshuayi: A great performance with one foot. He’s had the other one out the door since January began, you know.
Kevin De Bruyne: He is Mourinho’s greatest gift to the Premier League.
West Brom: The Pardiola Effect in all its glory.
Jay Rodriguez: Ah, the one that got away. Rodriguez somehow escaped the net Liverpool cast over Southampton every year, and moved to West Brom this season. He allegedly shouted, “This one’s for you, Southampton,” after each goal. Allegedly.
Harry Kane: “He scores when he is left unattended at the far post as the ball somehow ends up at his feet” is not a very good chant. But those are the facts.
Glenn Murray: It was a taxing day for Boro, as Murray’s late goal punished them for their wastefulness.
Will Grigg: Is on fire. Your defence is terrified. Repeat ad nauseum.
Liverpool: Haaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa! Oh, my sides.
Jurgen Klopp: No amount of hugs or touchline theatrics will ever compensate for Liverpool’s struggles this season. While every other Twitter mob has been out with pitchforks every time their team loses, Liverpool supporters have been relatively quiet. Is it the calm before the storm?
Tottenham Hotspur: Barely made it out of Newport with their dignity left intact. You really don’t need to make it so obvious that you’d rather not compete for the Cup, Mauricio. Just leave out Sissoko once in a while and we’ll know you’re serious about the competition.
West Ham: Another team that put up an exhibition of how rotten some of the sides at the bottom of the Premier League are. Embarrassing.
Watford: Lost the game and lost the plot. Heated arguments with their own supporters is not what Gracia had in mind when he pushed his team to show some fight.
Newcastle United: Not sure if they should be in this section, seeing how this clears their calendar to focus on Premier League survival. Benitez can now concentrate on berating the ownership, crying about transfers and making inexplicable decisions with the personnel at his disposal.
Swansea: But no such luck for Swansea, who tried their best to lose the tie but could only draw it. A replay only adds another scoop of doodoo on the pile they’re stuck in.
Arthur Masuaku: It is widely accepted that spitting on another player is the worst thing you could do to a fellow professional. Masuaku broke the cardinal rule of sportsmanship – thou shalt not lob a ball of bodily fluids at thy opponent. Maybe he got confused with the term ‘spitballing’ and took it literally. Or maybe, in this instance, he is a despicable so and so who showed grave disrespect towards another human being and deserves everything coming his way. A 6 game ban is just the start.