The Magnificent 7: Newport County mob Harry Kane as he equalises and Alexis dreamed of moments like that as a kid

The Magnificent 7

The FA Cup has been and gone once more and we are in the midst of the transfer window closing. Yet, dear reader, I have struggled to come up with seven people that have been slightly less than magnificent in the last seven days. I can’t explain it, therefore, I shall not apologise for the rubbish you are about to read.

#1 VAR

I get the feeling Liverpool might be better off reinvesting the Philippe Coutinho money in making sure they have VAR at every single game. Mind you, even with VAR being given a free role and being Liverpool’s MOM they still contrived to lose. Personally, I’d stick VAR in goal. It can’t be worse than Simon Mignolet who is still trying to find out who pinned his boots to the goal line.

#2 Michy B

He might sound more like a failed X-Factor act than a striker, but Michy B is quietly chipping away at Antonio Conte. It is well known that Chelsea would happily bring George Weah back to the club to play ahead of Michy, but George is otherwise engaged being president of Libya or something. It might be Liberia, I don’t know. Anyway, Michy has had to put up with all kinds of strikers being linked to his spot on the bench and all he can do when he plays is look rubbish on the ball but keep finding the back of the net which, in reality, is the opposite of Alvaro Morata who looks great on the ball and couldn’t hit Michy’s Instagram account with a banjo.

#3 Alexis

These were the accolades Alexis dreamed of as a kid kicking cloth wrapped into a ball around the streets of Chile. In fairness, who can blame him? You can take your £500k a week and stick it where the sun don’t shine because when all is said and done, getting MOM on debut away to Yeovil Town is what gets Alexis out of bed in the morning. As the excellent Yeovil Twitter account kindly pointed out – could this have been a commercially driven decision? What, like United’s entire transfer policy you mean?

#4 Phil Neville

I never knew Phil played table tennis, did you? I bet him and Gary had some right tear ups over ping pong when they were kids. Phil Neville wasn’t exactly a popular choice to become manager of the Lionesses, what with not being female, connected to the women’s game in any way and never managed a side. It’s fair to say he didn’t help himself when tweets that were sent half a decade ago came to light that made him look, how can we put this, like a bit of a woman beating sexist pig. Now, most sane people would probably, and most likely correctly, think that Phil Neville is actually a decent man brought up well by his parents and these tweets were, at the very worst, poor levels of “bantz” from one of the two players in the United dressing room that you can guarantee had the piss taken out of them every day and their responses would have been cringe-worthy. Yet, they can’t be completely swept under the carpet, or in the 2018 sense of the word, deleted from Twitter in the hope that nobody took screenshots. Phil’s probably not had bad a week since he took down that Romanian lad in injury time back in 2000.

#5 David Moyes

“Spitting! It’s disgusting! I hope we throw the book at him! It’s the lowest of the low! He’s let the whole world down!” or words to a similar effect came from the mouth of the West Ham manager after Arthur Masuaku made Moyseh’s life a damn site easier by giving him a convenient excuse for the loss at Wigan. Whoa there David. Do you actually remember threatening to clip a female reporter round the ear? A little perspective, please.

#6 Jurgen Klopp

Now now, Jurgen. You cannot blame the defeat to West Bromwich Albion and, hilariously, Alan Pardew on the fact that you believe the game got cut short because the TV bods needed to cut to an ad break. You lost because, funnily enough, throwing £75m at a centre back hasn’t righted all the wrongs in your defensive world.

#7 Newport County

Call me old-fashioned, but the Newport lads celebrating Harry Kane’s equaliser at the weekend because they knew they were off to Wembley was just wrong….