BRING BACK THE FA CUP!
That’s all I really have to say on this week’s Premier League FFL action. What? You want more? Really? You won’t thank me, unless of course, you like laughing at my ineptitude. Well, I guess that is what this column is actually about.
Jordan Pickford, 0 points
“The whole team played crap” said Big Fat Sam after Everton had been humiliated 5-1 by Arsenal. Not just the players, Sam. Not just the players. What has happened to these basics you were so keen to get back to? Frankly, I just happy JP ended on nil point.
Ben Davies, 1 point
Spurs were bang average until Victor Wanyama hit a ball so sweetly that Loris Karius is still looking for it now. Thanks to Eric Dier, the clean sheet went out of the window early and the collective inability to stop Mo Salah wriggling out of a tight space meant another went in. Still, it’s the first point of the weekend.
Cesar Azpilicueta, TBC
Cesar faces off against Watford tonight. Considering the form Richarlison is in, I’m kinda hoping for a Chelsea clean sheet to improve my mood.
Jamaal Lascelles, 2 points
Jamaal gets his two points for playing 90 minutes. It was a harsh penalty, but considering one of my lads scored it I’ll take it.
Phil Jones, 0 points
Jonesy was so scarred from his wonder-finish against Spurs that he wasn’t allowed to play against Huddersfield. Thanks, Jose.
Luka Milivojevic, 10 points
Thank goodness for Luka. Another goal, 3 bonus points and a generally good to watch the performance for Palace against Newcastle United. Now, if only the rest of my midfield could start doing something…
This is his last chance tonight. Another dud performance and I am packing him off and bringing in anyone. Literally anyone.
David Silva, 0 points
I’m also starting to lose confidence in my bald eagle. He is a wonderful player and he is going through a very tough time, but I do need some regular points from this shirt.
Dele Alli, 1 point
Oh, Dele. You didn’t do yourself any favours, did you? Mind you, that is normally a fine source of goals for Harry. So I can’t complain too much.
Harry Kane, 8 points
So you lose points if you miss a penalty, I have now learned. Luckily for Harry, he got another go and didn’t miss twice so what with him being skipper and all I got 8 points from the whole craziness.
Sergio Aguero, 2 points
Another blank day from Sergio, picking up the two for just being there.
Total (so far): 24 points
Yeah, that sound you can hear is us tumbling back down the FMG league. A rubbish week that probably isn’t going to get better tonight when Chelsea play Watford.
Time to open that transfer window again I think…