Hugs from Jose, United’s Plan A for Hazard needs revising and nobody believes West Ham could have been doping

Todays Tales

“Dave Saves!” said some of the newspapers (I would imagine, as I have not actually read them myself). But we don’t want to talk about David de Gea making a world-class save against Sevilla, do we? Not at all! We want to delve deeper into the whole Paul Pogba thing and be part of that “strange” media that is upsetting Jose Mourinho so.

Pogba was on the bench in Seville last night because “he wasn’t feeling 100%”. Ah, bless. Nothing to do with you shouting at him in Newcastle then, Jose? Yes, yes Scott McTominay is young, English and played very well indeed (Jose doesn’t trust young English players, remember), but the real story is Pogba. Pogba, Pogba, Pogba. This was a big game for United and Pogs came off the bench after 20 minutes and United managed not to concede with him on the pitch. This is tactical progress, right? Jose was so keen to get off the subject of his £90m sub that he actually hugged the reporter who finally asked a question about McTominay. Mou was also pleased to talk about how the medical team had decided “Ander Herrera was fit” only to realise after 17 minutes that Ander Herrera was not actually fit. That puts the mockers on Jose’s plan to ask Ander to kick Eden Hazard around for 90 minutes on Sunday, then.

Hands up if you remember the rumour that went around that Leicester had actually cheated the FFP rules and “financially doped” their way into the Premier League and therefore winning that oh-so-romantic title? None of you, I bet because you are still hearing Bocelli singing as Wes Morgan lifted the trophy. Well, the FA and Leicester City have shaken hands on a £3.1m out of court settlement and no more shall be said about it. Ah, the romance of a little club winning the title against the odds.

Another week, another West Ham car crash. They are going to be fined by the very same FA for a breach of anti-doping regulations. I know, I know – nobody can believe that West Ham players are on performance-enhancing drugs. Well, they are not. They just forgot to tell the FA where they were, or something. Apparently, it was a “computer glitch” as opposed to an “entire starting XI glitch”.

It must be February as the transfer rumours are starting to kick in for the summer. Just like Easter Eggs and Christmas decorations, summer transfer rumours are often seen months too early. Bayern Munich want Liverpool’s Mohamed Salah. Well, of course they do. Everyone does.

Arsenal’s Shkodran Mustafi says he is “working on improvements” which can only mean he wants to leave in the summer. There will be plenty of takers that are convinced there is still a decent defender hiding in there somewhere. Arsenal will dream of replacing him with Juventus’ Daniele Rugani for £25m but, more realistically, will give Rob Holding one more chance to prove he can play at Premier League level.