Todays Tales

Premier League bigwigs have come under a storm of fire from furious players, managers and supporters after signing a lucrative sponsorship deal with a KILT manufacture that will see all top-flight clubs play at least one game in the tartan skirts!

Powerbrokers at Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United and Norwich City have already refused to comply with the kilt-wearing stunt and now face heavy financial sanctions if they do not comply with the directive.

The firm in question, Global Kiltz Ltd, are ecstatic after they convinced the Premier League hierarchy to take then up on their offer of a deal that would promote the Glasgow-based firm and its range of products. But the tie-up has been met with a tidal wave of complaints across the football world.

A Gunners spokesman said the club had made its position clear as soon as the missive arrived from the Premier League — and that under no circumstances would then they ask their players to wear kilts.

A spokesman said:

“This is ludicrous, frankly. We thought it was some kind of joke at first but after discovering that this was real we immediately held an emergency board meeting and unanimously decided that under no circumstances would we go along with it. This club was founded in 1886 and during that time we have always tried to maintain a certain integrity. We will not allow our rich history to be tarnished.”

But the Ken Useemanads, chief executive officer of Global Kiltz Ltd, said that it was a great bit of fun and the perfect opportunity to prove that the Premier League clubs don’t take themselves too seriously.

Speaking at the launch of the company’s see-through kilt range in Osaka, Japan, he told reporters:

“They really are getting their knickers in a twist and there is no need. The Premier League are correct to explore all commercial opportunities to bring in more money and help to develop the product. I for one can’t wait to see big muscular footballers parading around the pitch in our kilts. Chelsea versus Manchester City in kilts? Sergio Aguero trying to get past Kurt Zouma in what are, effectively, brightly coloured skirts… come on, what’s not to like?

“We have all the club colours and crests and will liaise with the respective kit manufactures so there will be an authentic feel to the garments. We have many, many tartans to choose from and we have said all along we are happy to speak with fan groups to ensure we get the clubs colours spot on. Come on, where’s the harm?”

Liverpool supporters have already formed a Facebook group to protest the potential move and are said to be considering forming an alliance of fans to fight the deal. Fred C. Dobbs, a lifelong Reds fan and season ticket holder in the Anfield Road End, said that the Premier League have gone too far. He added:

“I’m not sure why you didn’t hear me, I said, ‘the Premier League have gone too far’.”

Match officials will be asked to wear kilts, too, and because they have been offered a slice of the cash coming in from the deal they have readily agreed to do so. In between gulps of brandy at The Fox Goes Free, his favourite watering hole nesting in the South Downs near Chichester, spokesman Tom “Tiny” Wharton said:

“Anything for more beer money…hic!”