Dramatic Music Relegates Club

You may remember that a couple of weeks ago, I finished recapping the Sky One clusterf**k that was Big Ron Manager. Well, during that stint, old Ronald managed to head into the background really as one man came front and centre of the show (not least because of his thick booming accent).

Yes, Basil Brush! That dirty old fox was an embattled owner who had to mortgage stuff, said some sweary words and had some tacky football stone things on his garden wall like it was a ten year old’s bedroom. But just how did a cartoon fox become a football club owner?

Fortunately, for the five people who enjoyed reading my Big Ron recaps (five is optimistic I know), ITV produced a one-off documentary detailing Basil’s first year as Peterborough owner. And he was manager. And it was in 1995(ish). I CAN WRITE ABOUT IT!

Anyway, we learn some of Basil’s backstory as ITV attempt to make him a lovable rogue. He’d just been sacked by Birmingham and that sweet, sweet severance package bought him a whole football club. One that was deep in financial s**t but a bought club nonetheless. Well, maybe not but we’ll get to that.

Basil installed himself boss and, while we don’t really get to know the players bar some general, indistinguishable nicknames doled out by Brush, he’s expecting to push for promotion in his first season. Turns out that maybe shouldn’t have been the aim. As we go on to discover this Peterborough side make Crow, St. Ledger and the non-league lad look like Barcelona 2009. Some dramatic music, slow motion effects and echoing dubbed over audio makes a 1-0 home defeat to Gillingham feel like a death, nuclear attack or famine in Africa.

With things going horribly on the pitch, it turns out Basil isn’t owner of the club after all. Something about shares or money, I don’t care. He needs to find a new buyer or he’ll be out of a home and his 5000 children won’t have to stare at those stupid stones again. Actually, that may not be a bad thing…

Spoiler: he doesn’t end up homeless. Although that would have livened things up.

We’re into February already as, for some reason, they got too much footage at this cup game against Wrexham so had to stretch this bit out to justify. Posh are winning 2-1 despite being assaulted by the word f**k at half time and this cou… AW NOT THE DRAMATIC MUSIC! SOMEBODY STOP THE HORROR! THREE WREXHAM GOALS! THIS IS A WAR CRIME! Basil gets over this defeat by having a shave.

After a doctor makes sure Posh can insure him to make some money by killing him off, we get some awkward player interviews praising Basil. This is kindly interspersed by a league defeat to Wrexham and a dressing room argument. Whoever made this should probably learn about tone sometime. Props to Scott Houghton for completing a whole interview with a stick up his arse.

After an awkward sad moment with Baz in bed, we get transfer deadline day where Basil’s got the complete wrong idea and got himself a judge’s gavel. Judge Judy you are not sir. It goes as expected really. He signs some players. Miguel de Souza arrives for contract negotiations. His initial demands are met with a swift f**k off. Who said FM wasn’t real?

Crunch time. Posh are desperately fighting relegation. So desperate that at half time against Bristol Rovers, one of the players is eating a Snickers. They throw away the lead in that one. Diet.

The season ends with Posh needing a win at Bury. We meet some fans who don’t like him much with one quipping she is to the Spice Girls as Barry is to football tactics. Real zinger you got there. Marks for originality. Posh, of course, don’t win and fans leave heartbroken to the soundtrack of Sports Report. Are the producers alright?

WAIT! Not quite yet. Other results have kept them up. They just need to wi… AW F**K OFF DRAMATIC MUSIC! Posh, unsurprisingly, go down and we end with Basil saying something about going again. He did. For another eight years or so.

Come back next week for mo…NO DRAMATIC MUSIC PLEASE!